January 18th, 2012

It's felt like such a long day. A horribly long day, with many ups and downs and emotions swinging everywhere.
I woke up for class, and told my roommate about the idea I had last night, of "maybe I'd like to be a pediatric neurologist". Her response?
"You do know neurology is about the brain, right?"
...
Of course I fucking know that. I'm in a Neurologist's office every god damn month.
I know what neurology is.
And I like the idea of studying the brain.
I left, and felt really discouraged.
She posted a status as I was walking saying, "Wow, you really are out of ideas, aren't you? XD"
I figured it was about me (but apparently wasn't...) and thought.
I am out of ideas. I don't know what I want.
I know I'm not good enough.
I'm sick of people making me out to be so stupid.
I feel like I shouldn't have started school, I shouldn't take the risks to figure out what I want to do, I shouldn't bother because there's no way I could do it anyway.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Maybe I should just drop out of school until I'm REALLY ready...?

This thought ate away at me through most of my day, on top of an increasing migraine, and stomach cramps and problems. I didn't end up going to the gym like I had planned. I stayed back, and watched Sherlock instead, and tried resting. I've even eaten and showered, and I still feel like crap...
I cannot wait to finish my homework, take a sleep aid, and sleep. I wish I could sleep longer...

I don't like the depression.
I don't like the feeling ill.
I really want it all to stop.
I'd make it stop in a horrible way.
I don't doubt that I would.
But you're here.
You're all I have.
You're all I need to keep me standing.
You are my life support.

I love you.

Goodnight.

~Mary