Tomorrow...

Tomorrow I wake up at about 5am so I can shower and drive to campus for an 8:40am class.

I really want to commute next semester. So, to have a more accurate measure in weighing pros and cons between commuting and living on campus, my parents have let me use their car this week for a commuting “trial run”. This will let me see if I do in fact like the commute. To see what it’s like.
I gathered a few more things from the dorm tonight and I’m not allowed to step foot in the dorm this week except tomorrow to pick up my walking shoes that I forgot.
It will be very interesting. I’m anxious.

I just miss you so much.

You’ve really only been gone for three and a half hours, but it feels like you left ages ago.

I always miss you right after you’re gone, especially when we’ve been snuggling. 

I miss your warmth so much right now. I’m so super cold, and I just to be held, still.

I love that you did all you could for me today. I wanted to cry harder, to talk about things, but at the same time, I didn’t want to talk about it in my house with my parents around. But then again, I didn’t want to get out of my bed. :/

So maybe another time, I’ll let loose…

In a few hours, you’ll be getting off work. But I wish you were coming home to me, to sleep beside me, wake up beside me. You were the only reason I was able to fall asleep last night, cos you let me doze on your lap, snuggled with me on my bed, and tucked me in and shut off the light and kissed me goodnight.

I don’t know how well I’ll sleep tonight now, because I don’t have that. I’m honestly afraid to close my eyes tonight. I keep seeing things I don’t want to see.

Since you left, I’ve been day dreaming.

About absolutely everything.

I thought about you, saying you’d build an ice rink in the backyard, and let the kids score goals so they’d think they were great hockey players. I thought about you being that dad that holds out food for their kid to eat, but tricks them and eats it yourself. 

I thought about waking up every morning to make you breakfast, but sometimes, you’d get up before me and surprise me. I thought about helping you pick out clothes for a day at work, and you doing the same for me.

I thought about our soon to come struggles, when we can get our own apartment and be on our own in the world together for real. I thought about how tight on money we’d be. How much easy mac we’d go through in a week, how we’d probably have to share a car, and a cellphone. How we’d have to drop each other off at workplaces, and go without speaking to each other until the work day was up. Going to Salvation Army and Thrift Stores to buy some clothes, and dishes. How much cheap coffee we’d by, and how much pasta and pizza we’d have. Sacrificing going out for snuggling in, expensive dinners for a place to live… Living the poor life, struggling to get by, but enjoying every second of it because we’re together. Feeling independent. Just being together.

As much as I think about the future future, I think about the immediate future a lot lately, probably because it seems so in our grasp, right there, just a few steps away. It seems the most possible right now, and I love dancing around the thought. 

I imagine every day in our dingy little apartment. Waking up next to each other, smiling. Making breakfast while you shower, or even showering together, and making breakfast together. Picking out clothes. Dropping each other off at work. Cleaning the house. Making dinner. Putting in a movie we’ve seen a hundred times. Snuggling up to sleep.

It just appeals to me right now.

I just want you so much.

I love you.

I’ll stop rambling.

I love you.

What a Day.

And what a tiny, petty, little thing that set fire to the fuel.

It’s been a long day, hell, a long week. My winter/spring break starts tomorrow at 10:47am. I’m so ready, so in need of this. 

This week has been crazy because of exams and just general stress.

Today was the worst.

Today, in my 8am class, we had to present and perform our group compositions for Music of World Cultures. We were ready. We had everything planned, it was going to be great. 

Until I went upstairs to get my bassoon and realized… my keys were in my dorm room. All of my keys. So even if I did run back to the dorm for them, I still couldn’t get in. My roommate had left after me, and therefore was responsible for locking the door, and she always does. My damn keys were once again, sitting on my bedpost, instead of in my coatpocket, where I’m used to them being.

Upon talking to my professor, he said my group could proceed, and not be effected by my absence. I, however, would suffer at least one letter grade drop. I was surprisingly accepting of this. He said we could go last, and I had until 9:30 at latest to have an instrument that I could play (the theory came up of me getting my flute, but that too, was in the dorm, and the professor in charge of instrument loans didn’t answer his door), or my group would go without me.

I texted Danae, who didn’t have an exam like I thought, and found that she was in the building the connects to Varner. She said to come to her class and get her locker key. I sprinted down flights of stairs, ran around and through Varner, through Elliot, and back, not stopping because I had 4 minutes until I needed to be in the class room with my instrument ready to go. 

I made it.

It went… okay.

I was really shakey. Obviously.

Oh, and I got a nosebleed right before we performed. That probably didn’t help at all.

Then of course, the theory midterm. I don’t think I even need to explain the stress that came with an exam in my worst class. 

After, I had to write a 6 page minimum paper and submit it before leaving for my concert at 4:30 ish. It turned out to be 11 pages to get most of the information on. And quite honestly, I skipped a chapter. 

As we were getting ready for the concert, I realized I couldn’t find my dress pants.

Once again, my roommate saved the day, let me wear her long orchestra skirt, and wore her dress pants. Life saver.

The concert went well.

Until afterwards.

Here’s the flame.

I looked at the program.

I was so excited all day, knowing I would be credited for playing the contrabassoon. I really love the instrument, I worked extremely hard to learn the difficult music, and was so proud of my work.

I looked at the program.

I was not credited as playing the Contrabassoon.

Danae was.

It broke my heart. I cried. I broke down. I buried my face into my mother and sat there and sobbed in the middle of the hall. 

Looking at it, though it still upsets me, it was just such a tiny thing, and it made me explode. 

My mother kept asking if I was really okay, if that was all that was wrong. I told her “it’s been a long week” and “I’m just really tired”. 

But in reality, I want to wait until she and I are privately talking during winter break to discuss next fall, and my feelings about everything.

Waiting to tell her I feel very depressed, and I may benefit from some medication (that I’m sure after a month, I’ll start forgetting to take, like I am with my ADD medicine…) and a long break from school, to think about things. To relax. To breathe.

I really am terrified deep down.

To top it all off, Saturday would be Brandon’s 20th birthday.

I have a lot of anxiety about that, because I know I’ll be alone all night because Jake has to work. I just don’t know how well I’m going to handle it.

I do know that I’ll suck it up and drink a Monster.

That tradition will never change.

I don't post much here anymore.

But I've been depressed and busy so maybe it's good that I haven't. I'll start up again during break, maybe.

Wish me luck on my theory exam in 5 minutes.

What day is it?

This weekend was so amazing. And now I'm just back in my little pit of depression again.

I can’t stand this.

I can’t stand where I am right now…

Everything is fine and perfect and amazing when I’m with you, when you make me relax, when you make me not give a damn about anything. I feel free, and happy, and fantastic.

And then the week starts again. I realize I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be trying. I hate this. I don’t want to be around here. I feel empty. I have nothing.

And I break down. And cry. And don’t want to eat anything. Or do any homework. Or think. Or move.

Or breathe.

I really really REALLY want to write my parents a letter explaining that I can’t do this anymore, that I just want to drop out or something…

I feel awful that it would be a letter. Because it’s impersonal to them. But they wouldn’t be able to understand anything I’d say through my sobbing and shaking…

Even so, I don’t know how to phrase anything to them without seeming stupid or melodramatic.

No idea what to do anymore.

And so, I guess I’ll mope in my room until Wind Symphony. :/

A list of things I want:

To give up on finding a career.
To just study enough to get a job as a Secretary.
To be a secretary for a while or something.
You.
Me.
Together.
A proposal.
An engagement ring.
To find a nice apartment.
To plan a wedding.
To have a wedding.
To say “I do”.
To marry you.
To find a house.
To move into that house.
To work together and paint walls and arrange furniture.
To have children.
To raise children.
To have so many little details in between that I’ll list later.
To stay home every day and clean the house, raise children, make meals, and love you forever.
To watch our children grow up.
To give the best to them.
To grow old with you.
To watch our children get married.
To watch our children have children.
Die peacefully.
Can’t I just have that?


A list of things I don't want:

To be here.
To be in school.
To be at home.
To feel useless.
To keep pretending I know what I’m doing.
To keep pretending to be okay with school.
To keep watching people know what they want.
To have a real career and a real degree.
To move my body.
To wake up some mornings.
To do a lot of things..