A Cleaning

Any bit of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I have has been brought out by college. 

I've spent the last two or three hours cleaning the dorm room. Not that it was all THAT messy, but just that I'm INTENSELY cleaning. I've completely cleared all clutter off my desk, and disinfected it, better arranged the shelves on the desk, cleaned off my whiteboard and rewrote stuff, tore dirty sheets off my bed and put on clean ones, (the dirty ones are downstairs in the wash, along with all my clothes that I've dirtied so far this week) I cleaned out my closet and organized things on the shelves, cleared up and disinfected the dresser that my coffee pot sits on, found better places for things, vacuumed the whole room, and disinfected the fan, tv, microwave and fridge (they were really dusty). 

The room is clean.

The room. Is fucking. CLEAN.

But now I feel all gross. :(

Clearly, I am exhausted. But the room is clean, and my thoughts on this were to clean the room, to create a stress free environment and get started on some homework. So I think that is what I shall do. 

<3

Being Alone Means Bad Relapses

Second to the right, farthest to the right.

R.I.P. Brandon Matthew Craner

2/18/1992 - 4/29/2010

I miss you, Brandon.

I miss all of us.

You’re gone.

Jess is states away.

I’m at college.

Jack’s at home.

We’re all so apart, and I hate it. I wish you had never gone. Maybe then, everything would be different.

Why did you go?

No. Why did you LEAVE?

We were supposed to be the oldest cousins. We were supposed to be the ones our siblings could look up to, the ones that did everything right, the ones that were great people. Why couldn't we be that? Why did you have to leave us? What was so entirely bad that you had to take your own life, and leave us, all of us, struggling behind?

Whenever I'm here alone, and its quiet, I think about you. I think about how much I miss you, how much everyone misses you. How different all our lives would be if you hadn't left. How much pain we never would have felt. I cry. I remember the day you did it. I remember the funeral. I remember the burial. I remember the pain after. I remember the emptiness and numbness. I remember the year later. I remember stupid things we did as kids. 

Does this pain ever go away? Will you tell me? It went away when Papa passed, but that was different. That was cancer. That took him. You took yourself. What a god damn stupid choice. Why the fuck did drugs seem like a good idea to you that day? Why the fuck did drugs seem like a good idea to you any day?! I'm so angry...

I should...

• Do my writing homework.
• Fix my essay up a bit more for comp.
• Start my history portfolio.
• Study for the theory midterm that I have on Thursday.
• Memorize my fucking circle of fifths. 
• I should have had that memorized in sophomore year.
• I'm a slacker.
• And a bad music student.
• Can I go be an art student? 
• A visual art student? 
• I definitely didn't do the stuff my Keyboard professor put up on moodle since we didn't have class yesterday. I'm going to die.
• Is it Friday yet?
• I have a special person spending the night on Friday.
• It's going to be a spectacular weekend.
• Well, except Saturday evening while said spectacular person is at work.
• Which will be when I try to cram all my stuff for the portfolio project in.
• I should also study for the Listening Exam for History on Thursday.
• As well as the History midterm in general.
• I think I already did my Keyboarding midterm.
• I don't think we have a comp midterm.
• Seriously, he is so unorganized.
• Why am I still on tumblr.
• Fuck my life.
• But I love this.
• I'm starving.
• Orchestra performances just don't end, do they? 
• No, of course not.
• That's why I like playing in a band instead.
• Lazy, yo.
• Okay, bye.
• Just kidding.
• I don't know.
• Okay.
• Okay.
• I should stop.

Urgh

He just woke up.
I'm already showered and just about ready to go.
I thought we were making this a "day trip"? Well, it's going to be afternoon/evening by time he's ready and we all get there.
How does this kid sleep so much and so heavily? Doesn't matter what time I go to sleep, I'm awake by 8 at the latest, out of bed by 9. He can sleep till noon.
I wake up, I start feeling gross and hungry. I want to shower, brush my teeth, and just eat everything.

I wish we could have gone to Frankenmuth last weekend. He could have stayed the night with me at the dorm, and we could have just left the next morning. But Danny got sick. And now I'm feeling sick. Urgh.

I just wanna go get a venti hazelnut coffee, and get the fuck out of here.
Let's go. Come on.

I've done it again, though. I forgot to bring back clothes to wear at home over the weekend. I brought my "hipster" shirt with the roses and lace, but its a tanktop style shirt, and I forgot my new jacket at school. :/
I am self conscious about my skin around anyone but Jake. I wouldn't care if he saw my back and shoulders, because by all means, he has so much before. But I don't want his mom or brother to. Especially not her mom. I do not want to be judged.
But suddenly this is okay, because apparently Danny doesn't want to go anymore, and his mom is also not sure if she wants to go.
But my mom would still look at me funny leaving in that. She still thinks I'm the same closed up girl as I was years ago. But I'm really not...
Black Butler t-shirt, here I come. :/

I wish I could fit into my older clothes. Because there are some that I adore. But I just don't look good in them anymore. :/

Edit: I didn't want to wear the tshirt. My smooth bra had been washed, and wasn't dry. The textured one I have on shows through the shirt I want to wear. So I'm sitting here drying my smooth bra with a hair dryer. I'm so ghetto college student.
I am still hungry, but I don't want to go make cereal or peanut butter toast, because my family is all in the kitchen and annoying me, and Jake's on his way. I guess I'll just have to have tons of coffee and maybe convince Jake to get me a cookie from Starbucks or something along those lines. Just something to nibble on, I guess.
Putting on makeup, drying this bra, putting it on (even though it seems like it will still be damp by time I have to go), and packing everything up.
Peace.

Oh, and Happy Birthday, John Lennon, and Congratulations, Paul McCartney on your marriage. 

I didn't know I could love this much

He makes me so happy. Like I'm floating on air. All the time.
I just love being near him.
Last night, at the Joe Louis Arena, we could have been on opposite sides of the arena, with thousands of thousands of people between us, and I still would have been happy just knowing we were in the same building. :) <3


“I can’t believe how much I love you. I always think I can’t love you more and then, somehow, I do…”


“I wish I could get you a ring… right now. I’ll probably ask you to marry me a thousand times before we actually get married.”


Jesus, fucking, Christ, I love that boy. 
I wish he hadn't needed to go to work at 3, because I would so much rather spend the day and night here with him, snuggling in my basement watching old movies and stuffing our faces with coffee, tiramisu, and popcorn. <3


I should be doing homework, like MacGamut (MacDammit) or my History portfolio. But instead, I just took some Benedryl, am cuddled up in Jake's hoodie (my favourite, the fleece, gray and black checkers. <3), watching Law and Order SVU, and am probably going to pass out until about dinner time. But I'm okay with that. Perhaps I'll try to do one macgamut now. Maybe. We'll see.

I am going up to Frankenmuth tomorrow with Jake and his family. I am really excited. I haven't been up there in forever, and now I get to go with some great people. :)


I am suddenly so sleepy, and its only been about twenty minutes since I took the Benedryl. Oh well. Mm. <3 Happy, and could still be even happier. 

AHH FUCK.

• I thought the portfolio assignment for history was due in December. It's due the week after next, at least the Baroque Era part. The Classical Era part is due in December. I have done absolutely nothing. 
• Midterms are coming up, and I am pretty positive I'm going to fail my Theory midterm, unless Jake can take the test for me. Ohwellwhoops.
• I do not like being sick. I just wanna take the night time sinus meds and go to sleeeeeep.
• I am feverish.
• But I'm in love.
• I want to skip all my classes tomorrow and just go to the Wings game, and that's all, thankssss.
• Writing a napkin book. lol
• Moose! <3

I complain about all this stress and anxiety and not feeling well, and what do I do about it? Sit here on facebook, tumblr, update my blogger (which no one reads), and contemplate wanting to play runescape.

My life. What is it?

Ergh.