Aieee.

Started my new meds today.
Haven't noticed much different other than having a harder time swallowing the larger pill, and the need to really eat immediately after taking it. I haven't used the fast-acting stuff yet, mostly because I haven't felt the need to, and I want to see how long this other medication will last before putting more into my system.
Scheduled my classes today.

Fall Semester 2012
Monday:
8am-9:07am History of Film Music
12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony
Tuesday:
8:30am-11:47am Studio Art 2-D
1pm-2:47pm Foundations of Contemporary Psychology
Wednesday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music
12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony
Thursday:
1pm-2:47pm Foundations of Contemporary Psychology
Friday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music
12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony


This is okay. I mean, it's alright that the Child Development class didn't work, because it would have been a hassle to work everything out anyways.
I was really annoyed when I checked Macomb Community College for this class...

This is, no joke, the exact class I wanted at Oakland, plus a whole lot more. Oakland didn't offer the 30 hours observation.

Hard to see, but this here says that for Spring/Summer 2012, the course is only available online. ONLINE.

Maybe I'm just weird for actually wanting to SHOW UP for a class... but I don't feel confident in my ability to remember to log on for information and assignments. I don't know. Something about being IN class to learn thrills me, especially if it is going to be a class I am HIGHLY interested in.

Oh, well...

Made a new facebook last night. Don't know why, for sure. I guess I just wanted a new clean space, and to really just get rid of "friends" without bluntly saying "I don't want to be friends with you".
I managed to persuade Jake to do the same thing. So he did.
And, well.
I just about died when I got a notification saying "Jakob has updated his relationship status to say that you two are in a relationship. He has listed your anniversary as April 18th, 2010."
Honestly. I wasn't expecting that to happen because of the switch. Eventually, yes, but not 10 minutes after creating new accounts. I think it made me most happy that... I didn't have to ask. I didn't have to initiate it. He did it. :)

After almost two years, we're finally "Facebook Official".

I've got an hour or so to kill until he comes up here to see me. I'm not sure what I want to do. I feel kind of tired and just wind blown. I may clean up and re do my hair, and maybe look at some homework and projects.
Who knows.
Is the week over yet?

Scheduling and Registering for classes SUCKS

I register for Fall 2012 (and, I am able to also register for Winter 2013, and Summer 2012, if I want to do that at all…) tomorrow at 6am, and all day. 

I had the classes I wanted to take all planned out and I was ready and all set to go.

Until I looked deeper into the classes.

As it would turn out, one of the classes I wanted to take the most, Early Child Development birth to age 8… conflicts with the ensemble class that I am required to take for my minor and to keep my music scholarship. 

The class meets on Mondays, at 1pm-4:20pm. 

Wind Symphony meets on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 12pm-1:30pm.

Obviously, this is a problem.

The class isn’t offered during the Summer or Winter semesters either. :/ 

I'm meeting with my band director tomorrow to figure out if we could make this work, and if not, I made a back up schedule.

IDEAL:

Monday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

1pm-4:20pm Early Child Development Birth to Age 8

Tuesday: 

10am-11:47am Foundations of Contemporary Psychology

Wednesday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

Thursday: 

10am-11:47am Foundations of Contemporary Psychology

Friday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

Not so ideal schedule, but would still be okay:

Monday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

Tuesday: 

8:30am-11:47pm Studio Art 2-D

1pm-2:47pm Foundations of Contemporary Psychology

Wednesday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

Thursday: 

1pm-2:47pm Foundations of Contemporary Psychology

Friday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

It was frustrating, because the Child Development class is the one that I really wanted to take. But it's only offered at that time, in the fall semester. I would have taken it over the summer, but its not available. The Music history class is also only offered in the fall semester. 

This is kind of annoying. :(

In other news. 

Went to the Neurologist today, and got my medication fixed up. Up to a higher dosage on my regular medicine, and then got a "booster" medicine for the afternoon and evening and such, on a "when I need it" basis. Hopefully this all works out, and hopefully there's no conflict with them. When my brother switched medicines or upped the dose, he started getting tics and things.

I'm glad that the medicine has been upped, normally people aren't. But this is the first time since I started taking the medicine in 2006 that I've had it altered. So, about six years. Because it's been so long, I had to schedule a few tests to be done later. I need an EEG and a Tavo test. The EEG is when they stick a bunch of probes and sticky nonsense to my head, I chill out for an hour, and they monitor me to make sure I'm not having subtle brain seizures or anything out of the ordinary. The Tavo is the one that sucks (even though having sticky crap in my hair sucks). I sit there for about a half an hour and watch a screen. Each time a star or bubble or something comes on the screen, I press a button. I guess it tests my reaction time, as well as my levels of patience and focus. Obviously, a tricky spot for someone with ADD. 

But I'm glad it's being upped, because I'm realizing in college that I seriously need it. I need the assistance focusing on everything. I'm glad it was raised now, so that I have it to really focus and help with exam studying. 

Everything is still pretty stressful, and I assume it will be until the semester is over, with my theory exam, piano exam, projects, essays... 

I have a huge number of projects and essays for my World Cultures class. 

• A group project on Ireland (45 minutes min)
• A research essay on Ireland (5-8 pages)
• Group composition project relating to West African music 
• Take home essay test 

Then of course the dreaded Music Theory II exam, an optional Aural Skills II exam (which I may as well take advantage of), another Contextual Listening project for Aural skills, the revision of three essays and a portfolio reflection essay for writing, and a piano exam. Oh, not to mention Juries. Fuuuuuck, juries.

Whelp.

See you later internet.

Gonna go die.

It's a Monday.

Yup. It's a Monday. One hell of a Monday at that.

There was no piano today, so I woke up, showered, had left over pizza, and now I'm sitting here. Not leaving for class until 11:30. 

It's apparently 36 degrees outside today. That's not cool.

"I think spring is pissed at summer for cutting in line." -Andy 

Truth in that status update of his. NOT looking forward to the walk to Varner. Eek.

I still have a bit of homework to do. Most of it being MacGamut, which I plan to do now/after writing at varner with a piano, because I'm a dirty cheater and there's now way I can get those tricky things done without the assistance of a piano and a recording device. I hate doing the theory and aural homeworks. It's all always so much harder than the actual exams, which, typically lowers my grade, then. Urgh. :(

I still have...

• MacGamut Rhythm
• MacGamut Melody
• MacGamut Harmony
• Theory pg. 143 B #4, 5
• Theory pg. 143 C #1-3
• Theory pg. 144 E #1
• Theory pg. 145 #1
• Type up Ireland Outline

I finished writing out the outline last night, it just needs to be typed and printed. Which... I have to go to Hamlin to print anything because we ran out of ink in Danae's printer, and I couldn't pick it up yesterday because she didn't know what kind it took. :I Urgh

But yeah. So. Mondays. Not cool with them.

The week just needs to be over already.

And it's just started. ><

What a lovely day.

It was so gorgeous out today. <3


Yesterday was a bit of a nightmare. I didn't get much of anything I had planned to do accomplished. MacGamut did nothing but stress me out way too much, I made, I suppose, some decent headway on my Theory workbook homework, and a tiny bit on the Ireland outline... but nothing else. It was all just very stressful, and on top of it, when I finally said fuck it, and turned in for the night, I wasn't able to fall asleep until about 2am. Of course, I woke back up at 6am as well. It was really upsetting. I suppose it didn't help that I had downed a bottle of Mountain Dew at around 9pm.
I think I just missed you last night. Like I will will miss you tonight, as well. 

• I’m going to miss the leg tangles
• I’m going to miss the spontaneous arm around my waist
• I’m going to miss the “oh, I’ve woken up to roll over, so I’m going to give you little half asleep kisses”
• I’m going to miss pressing my cheek against the cool skin of your back
• I’m going to miss entwining my fingers in yours as much as I can
• I’m going to miss hearing you snore
• I’m going to miss looking into your eyes before I close mine
• I’m going to miss waking up to your smile

Those are the things I just miss every night and day, though. So, nothing new, I suppose.

Today was nice. I showered, cleaned up the dorm pretty nicely (well, my side at least...), and went to Kerby's for some lunch. Grilled cheese and french fries. <3 I also filled out a job application for Kerby's as they had put a "Now Hiring" sign on the door. I always hate filling out the job apps and having to write a bunch of n/a s and leaving things blank because I have no prior work experience... Then I always feel that they won't hire me because I don't have that experience... Urgh. Anyways, afterwards, we went to CVS, where I got...

• CVS Disinfectant wipes
• Makeup remover cloths
• Cotton balls
• Cheap razors
• Berry scented shaving cream

And then to Kroger for...

• Iced Coffee
• Wheat Bread
• Turkey slices
• Vitamin Water XXX
• Red Gatorade
• Strawberries
• Baby carrots
• Healthy Choice Chicken Noodle Soup
• Cream Cheese
• Spreadable butter
• Tortilla chips
• Salsa
• Salt and Vinegar Lays Chips
• Wheat Pita bread
• Plasticware
• Hand Sanitizer

And then, back to the dorm, where we laid about. Then, we decided it would be a great idea to walk a mile ish over to a shopping center and get Coldstone and Little Ceasars. And then walked a mile back. It was really nice and my feet are sore and I'm so tired!

I did not want my baby to leave me tonight. I miss him already. :( So much more I could say here, but I don't have the energy to. I'll save it all for another day, then. <3

I'm hoping to work a little bit more on a little bit of everything tonight and then sleep. No piano tomorrow morning, so maybe I'll finish it all then. I hope so.

Everything is easy, except the MacGamut. Urgh.

A rant, I don't even care if you see it.

I started this rant via twitter, and then I decided that 140 characters were just not enough to express it.
I put it on twitter so you wouldn't see it. But I just don't even care anymore. If you do see it, you're just going to go ahead and bitch about it on your private blogs and pull other bullshit.


I'm sure you made your blogs private (finally) in hopes that I would do the same, and then I wouldn't see you, and you wouldn't see me. But unfortunately for you, I have no desire to make my blogs private. I like them as they are, and I don't give a damn if you look at them.They have my life on them, not yours. And if seeing my life makes you jealous, gain SELF CONTROL and don't look at them. Me looking at your blogs never bothered me. But you've admitted that seeing ME and my blogs places bothers you. Gain self control, get over yourself, and quit creating fake scenarios in your head. I'm SURE there's a huge blog post up about how I attended RENT last night to maliciously attack you, and ruin your day. Ohh yes, I went to RENT just because it was your birthday, to personally victimize you and make you feel like shit. Or maybe, just maybe, I didn't even know it was your birthday until I was told later, after I had already planned to attend opening night. 
I went to see RENT last night, opening night, to SUPPORT my BOYFRIEND in the BAND, and my FRIEND in the CAST. I didn't fucking go to purposely piss you off or anything like that. I acted EXACTLY the same last night with you in the area, as I would have if you weren't in the area. I even made sure, before I was even aware you were there, to sit on the farthest possible corner away from the inner doors. If you didn't want to be near me, you could have been absolutely as far away from me as possible. I gave you an open opportunity, and gave you RESPECT that I'm sure you didn't even deserve. We didn't SEEK trouble, or any type of confrontation with you, but we did catch just about every glare you threw at us, for absolutely no reason. It was GREAT that you thought it would be cute to pound on the gas out of the parking lot as you knowingly passed our vehicle. Really cute. 
You pulled practically the same shit you did the same time last year at the other musical.
You talked about a restraining order, and the idea of that just AMUSED me so highly.
You will never get a restraining order against me, or us because we haven't done anything wrong. 
This is what we've done:

• Done what we could to ignore your initial bitchiness, insecurities and jealousy problems back in April of 2010.
• Viewed the twitter, tumblr, blogspot, and facebook that you made PUBLIC (all of these systems could have easily initially been made private from the get-go, via a simple settings change)
• Anonymously voiced opinions about things you posted on your PUBLIC social networking sites, on our own social networking sites. 
• Rolled our eyes at your stupidity every time you fought fire with fire and viewed OUR public pages, and talked about US on your own sites.
• Eased away from you, content, when you finally made the decision to take advantage of internet privacy settings.
• Innocently walked into your place of work multiple times solely because it is, was, and has been the nearest location of that business to my house, a business I am a patron of, and by pure coincidence. Not maliciously plotting to cause you pain.
• Attending events in which friends of friends are being celebrated, or something. examples: AAW Graduation, AAW presents RENT, etc.

Yup. That's all we've done. We have done nothing that has been remotely threatening to you, that would warrant a restraining order. 

Go live your life, let people do what people will do, and stop creating fake overdramatic scenarios in your head. 

Hope you had a happy birthday, and have a fine life.

Enjoy.

Update?

Arts Academy in the Woods Presents RENT last night, was fantastic!

• My boyfriend did AMAZING in the pit on his electric guitar. :) <3 And I got to sit close to him, which I’m really happy about. It’s really thanks to Holly for saving me a seat in the front row by the pit.
• The set design was amazing! I snapped a few photos on my phone, but it was really dark. It was a bunch of metal ladders and structures, boards with graffiti all over them, and BEAUTIFUL lighting hanging and wrapped on everything. Very 90s NYC.
• Ben did FANTASTIC in his last minute role as Roger! He deserves so much respect for getting that role down pat, as well as performing beautifully at the end and projecting because his mic was conflicting with another one. I noted him turn his mic off in his pocket without it being blatantly obvious, and he did great.
• Danny did a good job with sound effects. :P

It was spectacular and I loved it, and I can’t wait to go see it again on Saturday with my cousin. :)

The "Plan" for the day that more than likely won't be accurate:

• Take a quick shower
• Crack down on editing/completing my writing essay
• Depending on how much work I do, take a small break
• Attack MacGamut
• Break
• Theory Workbook
• Break
• Ireland Outline and project notes
• Break
• …

I don’t know what else I’ll get to today.

It’s almost 11am, I’ve already eaten, and after I shower, I have the entire day to myself to work on these things, since Jake has to work, and then has another performance for RENT tonight. 

I really just want to lay around and day dream all day, but I know I can’t.

Recovering from Yesterday

Yesterday was a struggle. My mind was everywhere and I just couldn't focus at all.

Today I'm recovering from that.
I'm still exhausted.
I don't think that will change.

I'm realizing how intense the next few weeks are going to be, and I'm doing my best to handle it.

I just need to stay calm.

Going to go see our String Bass player's senior recital tonight at 7pm.
Hoping to get some homework and practicing done in between now and then...

I had the hardest time focusing today. I got some of the essay done but ill have to do more before its due tomorrow.
Got much less as a whole done today than I had anticipated...
I'm exhausted and am freaking out.
April has so many mixed feelings and will be so crazy. An anniversary of love and an anniversary of death. The Ed k a grueling school year and stressful final exams.
Im not ready for it all. I don't know how to handle myself and cope.

Goodnight.

It's 77 degrees. In March. In Michigan.

Ohh, Michigan, what the fuck are you doing to our beautiful seasons?
It is literally, according to my handy dandy iPhone4, 77 degrees in Rochester, Michigan, also known as my current location. On Wednesday, it's apparently supposed to be 84. Hurray...?
It's just so hot out! I had planned to wear a light summer dress today, but considering its white, and I'm still menstruating... uhh, nope! But I wore jeans and a summery shirt, and I was still DYING. My body is not okay with this. I keep sweating and I hate it. I've already changed into a shitty tank top and my lounge shorts. I did that the second I got back into the building. 
The fan is on medium, the window is wide open, and I think my building still actually has the HEAT on. What the hell, Oakland. Stop it. :(


The start this morning just set the mood for the whole day. 
On my way back from my piano class at around 10am, I managed to fall flat on my face on the pavement. Outside Elliot, as you go downhill, the pavement is a big higher than the grass on the side. I usually like sticking to the far right of the walk because there have been a lot of tours going on lately, and the little Chartwells smartcar likes to drive up there to get to the Starbucks to restock. I just decided it made more sense to stay so far to the side. 
Well, that was a mistake. I must have set my footing too far over, and I stumbled down the hill. My palms hit the pavement first, followed by my knees and forearms, and then, you betcha, my chin smashed against the ground. Thankfully, unlike my palms, my face did not scrape or bleed. It does however, really hurt, and I'm pretty positive that there will be a huge bruise there by tomorrow. Looking at it in the mirror now, there is a sort of red and blue tint to it already. Also, when I fell, I fell to the side of my chin, so my jaw ended up sliding to the right farther than it should. From someone who already has a popping jaw and other issues, that was not pleasant. 
I think what pissed me off most about the fall was that there were at least five or six people walking around me. Not a single person sped up their pace to me, or even as they passed asked "Are you okay?". They stared and continued walking. Is that really what humanity has come to? Do we all really lack the social skills to ask someone if they're alright after witnessing them tumble down a walkway? We instead just pass without a word, and only WONDER if they are alright, or assume they will be. 
It just upsets me. 


I really didn't want to have an aural skills hearing today, but I did it and it's done, and I suppose I did alright. We'll just have to see. I talked to her about my Contextual Listening Project and how I thought I failed. She hasn't even looked at them yet because the other professor administered the test and hadn't given them off to her yet. This really bummed me because I've been severely worried about that all weekend. Soroka said that I just would need to do well on the take-home portion of the project, and be detailed in that. I told her I wasn't sure what else to write, besides the two paragraphs I already had, and she said that that should be more than enough. I'm still just not sure. It won't be too big a deal if I did poorly on it, I suppose. Aural Skills is easy enough to build back up in, as long as you do the MacGamut homework. Which, I have to admit, I had been slacking on... 


I'm back at the dorm now, though. My day is over, as far as places to go, but not with things to do. I've already forced myself to get and eat some dinner (tomato pasta, breaded fish, some strange but delicious seafood garlic breads, and melon) and I'm hoping my stomach will handle it and cooperate tonight. I can feel cramps coming on, and I'm hating it. I hate menstruating. Especially since I'm reaching that end point where I'll go to the bathroom and check myself. Everything will be clean on the napkin, but the back of my head will say "oh, just keep it on. Better be safe." So I do. I check again later, as I think "Ugh, this is really uncomfortable, and it probably hasn't done anything since I checked, maybe I'm done", and nope. It's all flooded. Getting really sick of it. I JUST WANT MY PRIVATE PARTS TO TOUCH MY UNDERWEAR NOW WITH NO BARRIER. I WANT COMFORT.


Well then.


Here are some things I need/want to get accomplished tonight:

• Finish the last page of my theory homework
• Clean my reed cases and mess with my reeds to figure out why everything wants to start molding...
• Clean up my desk a little bit
• Clean up under my bed a little bit
• Underline and highlight more information from the Ireland book
• Contact Kaylene and Colleen and see if they have anything they want to put in for the Ireland project before I start putting it all together
• Vacuum all the brass wire up from around my desk... 
• Get a jump start on making another reed for this week/finish the one I started last week
• Review some theory stuff
• Repaint and fix my nails
• Paint and fix my toes
• Write Jake a letter just because
• Make a shopping list
• Call my mother to make sure she can come and get me on Friday for RENT
• Do that Five Guys survey finally
• Sanitize and get all the dust off some stuff
• Clean out the fridge the best I can
• SHOWER
• Read more Be More Chill so I can move on to Wallflower and Sweetheart soon.
• Look at my WRT 160 essay a bit more so it can be peer edited on Wednesday
• Print off my papers for class tomorrow
• Write down important dates
• Not die?

I've just suffered a sneezing fit so I've lost my train of thought, and so here come a few random blurps:

• I want cute summer dresses
• I want it to be next semester
• I want A/C
• I want real perfume
• I want my baby here with me
• wantwantwant

Today was nice.
I got to go pick out desserts for the family dinner, and I ended up picking up Jake a slice of tiramisu cake and a cherry coke. Cake for after working on his car, and coke for during. :) I went over there, and ended up talking to his mom for most of my visit about:

• little baby Jakob
• school
• bitches
• school for my cousin
• AAW
• music programs
• everything

I love herrrr. She's like a second mom to me. She really cares about like everything and she's so easy to talk to. :)

I eventually went outside and helped Jake fix his car! Apparently it was "absolutely adorable" when I was trying to help. I think he was turned on by me taking off one of my shirts and getting dirty in his car. ;P

I left to go home and clean Zoey's cage and chill out a bit before going to my grandma's for dinner. It was thanksgiving dinner all over again!:

• turkey
• mashed potatoes
• cheesey potatoes
• mac and cheese
• green bean casserole
• stuffing
• rolls
• pickles
• mmmmmmm! :) 

And then we had all the stuff I picked out for dessert and my grandma made: 

• chocolate covered strawberries
• cannoli
• peanut butter bon bons
• brownie cakelets
• cherry pie
• yellow cake
• brownies

Numnum! Gonna have to start going back to the gym, I think! 

Actually, I will, since Jake has rehearsals all this week. I'll just spend a bunch of time at the gym while he's away!! :) 

After that, Jess and I went for a walk. We walked up to the park across from Roseville high school and stuff and hung out there and talked, and then walked up 11 mile to about Gratiot before I saw Jake getting back on 696 from playing hockey! Haha, I called him and begged him to take us back to my grandmas since we had walked about a good mile and didn't wanna walk baaaaack. :) He's such a good sport and I love his ass so much. :)

I'm back at OU now and am dreading tomorrow! 

• It's supposed to be close to 80 degrees and I don't own any real shorts, and the dresses I brought back are either black (which would be really hot!) or white (in which, I'm on my period still, so no thanks!)
• Classsssssssssss at 8:40am
• Rehearsal at 12
• more class at 4
• and a hearing at 4:15 (which I'm unprepared for)
• and then a bunch of homework that's due on Tuesday

Oh well, I'll get through it. :)

Jake's apparently on his way over to visit for a while. It should be nice to spend a little time with him, since he'll be so busy all this week and I won't get to see him. :(

Bah! 

Toodles~

I have a bunch of homework I should be doing right now.

But I can’t focus for shit.

• 2 page reflection essay for the World Music concert due Tuesday
• Whatever page essay for my Contextual Listening Project due Tuesday
• 4 pages of theory workbook homework (that I didn’t bring home anyways) due Tuesday
• Research for Ireland needs to be done
• Basic all around constant studying and review for Theory is a necessity.
• Could be writing more of my Writing essay, especially since I don’t know when its due.
• 2 World cultures journals due Tuesday by 8am. Dunno if I can do them since I left the West africa book at school.
• augh
• thank god there’s no macgamut this week

A beautiful Saturday

Today was nice. Especially after me feeling how I did last night. Meds knocked me out hard.
I woke up and waited for jake to come over and ended up sleeping again. Once he came over we giggled and tickled and whatnot. Watched dr who. Wasted time. And went to outback for late lunch early dinner! Mmm!
We then went over to a frozen custard place on Woodward and fully enjoyed that. Then I came home. It was just so nice to have the windows down!
I got home and laid on the grass outside with my dog for a while, an then my guinea pig. It was so nice. I perused the Internet and decided I wanted a nap.
I haven't napped yet but that's because my window is open and the neighbor kids are screaming and running around and playing with loud balls and RC cars.
I want to have quiet but I want to keep my window open to feel the cool night and the sweet smells. I missed this way too much. I cannot wait for summer.

May add more later?

It's about to be a long day.

It's a typical Friday, which means no class till 10:40. But that also means, after that, class nonstop until a little after 5pm.
I have a Contextual Listening Project in my 10:40 today, followed by Wind Symphony 12-1:30 (which I didn't really practice for...), a break for some lunch, and then a bassoon lesson at 3 (which I also didn't practice for...) and then studio class at 4 (which, again. Didn't practice for.)
Afterwards, I'm really hoping Jake will come by at least for a bit. I don't have a car, I'm starting my period, and have maybe three feminine napkins, and cannot for the life of me find my new box. So, I need to go to Meijer, asap.
And then, Steel Band concert that I have to go to at 8. That I don't want to.
I'm tired, I have a headache, I had nightmares about tornadoes all night, which was weird because usually I'm pretty unphased by weather.
I'm starving, but there's apparently nothing good in the cafe for breakfast. Only Huevos Rancheros. Which, no thanks. I'd go over to the OC and get a breakfast bagel sandwich from Caribou, but I don't have any actual money, and I'm running really low on my declining points. :/
Guess I'll sit here and eat cereal, which actually means, I'm going to just stuff all the light carbs I can find into my mouth, including goldfish, and then maybe eat a kiwi.

I still need to actually finish making a reed for today. I'm pretty screwed.

Leave me alone to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

March 15th, 2012

It's apparently supposed to storm pretty hardcore outside tonight. There were tornado watches and touchdowns, and there's apparently thunderstorm watches and warnings near me. It just sounds like a typical summer/spring night out my window though. Aside from occasional soft rumbles, which I suppose must be thunder, I can hear the lamp post humming, cars passing by, and even crickets chirping a little bit. Nothing seems too threatening. And yet, apparently back over in Warren and Roseville, it was hailing earlier, while it was 70 degrees and sunny here in Auburn Hills and Rochester. 


So, a lot happened last night, I guess. 
I went to go see the OSO and Oakland University Choir perform The Rite of Spring and Dona Nobis Pacem at Orchestra Hall. It was fantastic, and it truly seemed like a once in a life time experience for the performers, especially the mass of choir students. It was great!
After the performance, I stepped into the bathroom to call my mother back.
And she explained that my cousin was coming back to Michigan.
Well, I knew this, we'd talked about it. She was going to come to OU for college!
No. She was coming back to Michigan that night. 
As in, after a full day of work, my father and my aunt were making a 12-13 hour drive down to Arkansas to pick up my cousin. 
She and her father had apparently been going at it all week, arguing, swearing, just lots of bullshit. I guess some more shit happened that I barely remember understanding that pushed them both over the edge.
"I want to go back home to Michigan" and "Get out and go back to Michigan" were apparently said, and so that was that. Instant. 
It's a shame. Because now my cousin, whom was 8 weeks away from being finished with high school, cannot graduate on time. No school in the area is accepting new students, and some of her school credits may not transfer to Michigan's curriculum, and she needs to be a resident for such and such time to graduate, blah blah.... ugh.
It stressed me out quite a bit last night. I had trouble sleeping at all.


Because I didn't sleep well, I woke up late and chose not to attend my Music of World Cultures class. I sucked it up and went to Theory class though, then to lunch with Jake, and then to my two advising meetings. Figured out a bit through those, which was nice. Can't wait to schedule for classes in the next like, week and a half.


I feel kind of like I'm falling again. I keep getting headaches. I keep fretting. Time is going by slowly, and then all of a sudden, too quickly when I need it to slow up... My body is weak, my stomach doesn't want to handle food, and I'm just tired. I try my best to get these thoughts and feelings to disappear, but it doesn't last too long. It's a never ending cycle for me. 
We're back to where we started. Square one. With me feeling numb and worthless, and one person being my only mental escape... 
Publish Post
I guess I should try and eat something... and read and relax or do more research about stuff. I don't know.


Just get me out of here.

Why does everyone always feel the need to place everyone into little groups? Why can't we all just be people?

Note: I am probably not fully researched in this topic, but I’ve seen it quite a bit lately around tumblr, and have done enough research I believe to have an opinion on the subject.

So the term “cis” is basically short for some longer word that means, you accept the gender you were born in, and are content living your life as such. Right? That’s what I understand of it.

And then there’s the term “trans”, which, in light terms, means that you were born with the gender that you are uncomfortable in, and you feel you do not identify as said gender.

Okay.

There’s been a lot of back and forth on tumblr that I’ve seen about the term “die cis scum”, and the way people react to it, and talk about it… I just don’t understand.

I myself, was born female, and like being female, and believe yeah, I’ll probably be female for my entire life. I’m content being female. I don’t feel as though I should have been male, or anything. I was born female, that’s what I’ve grown into, and that’s what I am okay with. 

Therefore, I apparently fit into the category of “cis”. 

I am also, as it would seem at this point in time, “straight”. Though, I like to think of myself is pansexual (I realized long ago when I fell right down for one of my female friends, that it didn’t matter their gender, I’m both sexually and mentally attracted to all genders, whoever I happened to fall in love with, was who I’d love. I had no desire to go around sleeping with different genders, nor did I have the desire to really “experiment”. I’ve always found different things about each one attractive, etcetc…) I am currently in a happy and healthy relationship with a male. I have also thought more about being “labeled” as “straight” because of my future goals: I would like to be, in the long run, a housewife and mother. Of course, there are always options to do so if I were in a same sex relationship when I decided that was who I’d like to be with for the rest of my life, blah blah, but my mind and heart says I’d like to be traditional, have the two genetics completely mix, and have my own children, as opposed to adoption, or other crazy scientific ways of having children. It appeals to me, and always has.

Anyway, enough about me.

This whole “die cis scum” thing. I’ve seen people say stuff about it, saying things like “well, don’t think it doesn’t apply to you because you’re a cis but you don’t think your scum, because all of you are because you AREN’T trans”, etc etc.

What? Wait. So… because I’m content with my gender, and am okay with how my body and mind work together… I’m scum? Even though I fully support and understand (to my maximum capacity) LGBTQ people?

I don’t understand that. 

Yes, there are MANY “cis” people that have constantly over the years smashed against the community of LGBTQ, and I believe they are ignorant. I feel that they are not open minded, they like to be in control, are republicans, bible pushers, etc whatever. But not ALL “cis” people do that? MANY “cis” people fight FOR the LGBTQ side in arguments like this. 

I have also seen people saying “the trans people are a MINORITY, and MINORITIES have to stand up for themselves and fight against the people in POWER”, etc.

This one, I don’t really know what to say, other than… if you look at yourself as a minority, you’ll perceive yourself as being treated as such, expecting special treatment, and more respect. 

Though I may be not as knowledgeable about “genders” other than male and female, but this is the way I’ve always looked at trans through explanations from a few trans people: 

The term “trans” in transgender means “transition”. To label yourself as “trans” merely states that you are transitioning from one gender, to another, and after the transition is complete, you are labeled whatever it is that you have transitioned over to, whether it be male or female. 

If you don’t feel comfortable being referred to with a specific name or gender, then take the steps you need to to change that. I don’t know all that it takes, but I have seen it done. Take the time, effort and (unfortunately), money that it would require to get your name changed, to get your gender marker changed, to have surgery if you want, to take the medicine needed to assist your body in transitioning as well. There are things you can do, and if where you are currently at bothers you so much, take the steps to be comfortable.

Do not decide to think “Oh. Well, I’m different, so everyone who’s “normal” hates me.”

And DO NOT think “They all hate me, so I’m going to hate on them.”

Fighting fire with fire will get you know where. Be the bigger person. 

In the end, why do we all feel the need to ever LABEL ourselves?

• cis
• trans
• male
• female
• gay
• straight
• bi
• lesbian
• pan
• black
• white
• asian
• insert whatever other gender/sexuality/race term here

Why do we have all those? Why must we specify a label for ourselves, and why does said label define who we are, what we stand up for, who we like, and how we think?

Why can’t we all for once just be people?

Why can’t anyone ever just accept things as they are, and get over it?

And that goes for EVERYONE and ANY opinion.

That guy likes guys. Oh, okay.

That guy likes girls. Oh, okay.

That girl likes girls. Oh, okay.

That girl likes guys. Oh, okay.

That girl feels like a guy. Oh, okay.

That guy feels like a girl. Oh, okay. 

That girl likes guys and girls. Oh, okay.

That guy likes guys and girls. Oh, okay.

That man has darker skin than us. Oh, okay.

That woman his lighter skin than us. Oh, okay.

OH, OKAY.

Why can’t that just be the end of everything? Why is there always constant fighting over things that… quite frankly, shouldn’t matter. Let people live how they want, minority or majority. If it’s not affecting YOU, get over it.

/done.

I wonder if I’ll get hate for posting a completely unorganized, logical and neutral opinion that I just typed mindlessly for ten minutes onto my personal blog? Hmm.

Ready for the Future

I always say I'm ready for the future, that I want my real future to start. My future that includes a loving husband, a home, children, and everything that goes with it. 

Lately its been a sort of... "I want the future, but not the short term future. What I'm in right now, I don't want to be here, or where I'll be in a few months or two or so years. I don't like it. Get me out. Push me ahead maybe 10 years."

After yesterday, I realize that I'm actually really excited for the next fall semester, even though I want this one to be completely finished and over with and never thought about again. I want to move on. Right now!

I start registering for classes at the end of this month (well, next week, I guess!) and I have two advising appointments set up for Thursday afternoon. I looked through the huge classes catalog and found a bunch of things that appeal to me...

I'm going to be taking an art class next semester. Only Studio Art Foundations, because it's a pre-requisite to any other non-major/minor art class. I would love to focus on just one thing, but maybe a foundations class will open me up to new things, and revive old things that I gave up on. I'm looking forward.

I figure I may as well get my German classes out of the way next year, since I need to semesters. I've already got a jump start from having a German class in highschool, so it shouldn't be too bad. The first semester, at least!

I may not take it next semester or next year, but there is a Computer Animation class that will count as a math credit, and I really would love to take it over some other sort of math, since it's really my worst subject. I've always been interested in animation, and it's more of a challenge than that other option is. The other option is basically learning how to use microsoft excel. My roommate is in it. And she says its the most boring class ever. Nooooo thanks!

Also, I may not take it next year, but there's a class I can use for my communications credit, called something like Rise of Electronic Media. And I think it's pretty self explanatory...

At the discretion of my parental units, I'm going to be taking an exploratory class. Apparently I'll get a dip into a bunch of different subjects and learn about their careers and stuff like that, which will hopefully give me a better idea of where I want to take off.

Also an idea of my mother's, I'll be taking an Intro to Counseling course. I've always enjoyed the idea of counseling and social work or something, but don't have any idea of a direct path. It's worth a shot, yeah?

I was back and forth between taking an Intro to Sociology class or an Intro to Psychology class. They'd both count for the same required general credit, but they lead into different things. I'm siding more with the Psychology class, because as I looked further through the book, I found classes to something I'm really interested in, in which that Psych class, and a second one are pre-requisites to.

Which leads me to the class that I am MOST excited about...

Early Child Development, Birth to Age 8.

Child development is something I really want to study. I don't know a direct pathway for a degree or career with it, but it intrigues me. I love children. I want to be a mother, and raise children, and understand children, and everything about them. So, doesn't this seem like the ideal plan for me?

Somewhere next semester, I still need to take one last music history class and I'll have (granted I pass all my classes this semester) completed the requirements for my Music minor. 

I plan to look through the book further sometime soon to try and find a clearer pathway for something with Child development... but for now, I'm content.

I'm excited.

I just don't want to do music theory ever again. UCK.

In other news, these are the things I have going on this week:

• Piano exam tomorrow at a time that I don't even know yet. She hasn't gotten back to me...
• Going to see the OSO and Chorale performance at Orchestra Hall tomorrow night! Super excited! 
• I have my two meetings on Thursday, one at 2pm, another at 2:30pm. 
• I'm going to be writing an essay for my writing class that is just really weird and awkward, about religious music in public schools.
• I need to keep gathering research and information for my project on Ireland.
• I have a draft for my Theory composition project due on Friday.
• I have a Contextual Listening project for Aural skills on Friday.
• I also have a bassoon lesson and a studio class on Friday night.
• There's a required performance I have to attend of the Steel Band at 8pm on Friday. Then write a paper about it.
• There's too much going on on Friday!!
• I have a Hearing next Monday at 4:15 that I'm not looking forward to.
• I really need to clean up the dorm room a bit, which I think I'll do today, very shortly. 
• I need to remember to breathe and eat and drink and uhh... not die. :O

Just so much! 

I should get off the computer and go work on some of that, I think! 

Bye~ :)