January 29th, 2012

Still haven't had the time/energy/willpower to keep up with this and make a big update post.
I still feel crappy on and off, and now my throat is acting up. :/ Its just tight and swollen feeling, and I don't know what to do about it.
Hopefully going to schedule an appointment at Graham Health Center tomorrow, or ask my mother to pick me up and take me to an urgent care at home. I'm worried because I'm seeing symptoms of mono, and I know a friend of mine had mono earlier in the month. Obviously, we didn't kiss or anything, but I'm pretty sure mono is highly contagious even from just being around that person, and I sit next to her twice a week, and have lunch with her some times.
The current symptoms of mono I have are,

• Sore Throat
• Swollen Glands possibly. I can't tell myself.
• Fever (on and off)
• Slight cough
• Fatigue
• Headaches
• Loss of Appetite

So, er, everything except swollen spleen, lymph nodes, and skin rashes.

Not looking too good. :/

I just hope that

1. I don't have it, so Jake doesn't get sick.
2. I don't have it, so Danae doesn't get sick.
3. I don't have it.
4. If I have it, it goes away quickly.

uck.

Anyways.

Not going to writing tomorrow because its a peer edit day, and she said "if you don't have at least four pages finished on the essay, don't bother to come in."

I didn't even make a cover page. So, nope. I'm taking that time to go to a doctor, thanks.

So exhausted.

Goodnight.

~Mary

January 28th, 2012

I havent updated in a while. But I have also been feeling crappy lately. Hopefully I'll do a legit update tonight or tomorrow.
I'm feeling a little better, and most of what I was feeling I can only assume was psychological.
But I don't feel like typing a novel on my iPhone, so when I have a chance at the computer later or tomorrow, I'll make sure to put something up.

~Mary

January 23rd, 2012

Today has been a long day. :/
I woke up feeling horribly sick, and I do still feel slightly uneasy.
I've spent the day sleeping on and off, eating light, little bits of food, and doing all my homework. It's been tough, but I got it all done, and can relax a little better now...
I'm worried about going to sleep, since I slept most of the day away... but that's what sleep aids are for, right?

I just keep thinking about yesterday to keep my spirits up. Just... yesterday and last night was phenomenal, and just <3
I've joined and been looking at "theknot.com" throughout the day. It's a nice site, and I love wedding stuff...
Haha.

I don't know what else to say here, mostly because I'm at a loss for words for anything lately.
Mm.

Going to class no matter what, tomorrow.

~Mary

January 22nd, 2012

:)
That's all.

~Mary

January 21st, 2012

Short entry cos I don't feel like pulling out my laptop because I'm so sleepy. But I will put up photos tomorrow.
Dentist app in the morning, bonded with zoey, coffee and pizza, auto show escapades, more escapades. Dinner at Texas roadhouse (I don't get what the buzz about it is. The sirloin was the only good part of my dinner... Not worth how much we paid for all of it. ) home, saw heather. Got my bracelet. :).

So tired. Goodnight!

~Mary

January 20th, 2012

Meow.
It's only just past 8pm, and I'm already sleepy!
I woke up for class, endured the hour, and came home for the weekend! Mostly because I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning, but hey, I'll enjoy the time at home either way. :)
I've just really been lounging around, nothing too spectacular.
Jake stopped by before he had to go to work, and I made him watch the first episode of Sherlock. I think he's hooked. :)
I had delicious shish-ka-bob from Theo's for dinner! :D I still have my side salad and soup in the fridge for later/tomorrow...
The lovely womanly cycle telling me my lady parts are healthy, and I'm not pregnant, came today. I wish it only lasted a day. Guhh.
I've had cramps all week, and right now, I have a killer headache, which I think has turned into a migraine. However, I took ibuprofen, so I don't think I can really take anything else for a while... I'm planning to go to bed soon, anyways, so it should go away soon. I just don't think I'm going to spend much more time online in case that's not contributing to feeling better...
I had a lovely snuggle session with my guinea pig this evening. :) I wrapped her up in a blanket, and laid in bed with her. She sat on my tummy and ate timothy hay, and just sat there with me for quite a while, and didn't start freaking out or shaking. I'm so proud. :) I missed being a piggie momma!

I'm thinking I'm either going to go get an apple with peanut butter, popcorn, or maybe have my warm soup before hitting the hay.
I'm really tired, and I have a 10am dentist appointment tomorrow morning, followed by the AutoShow with Jake, and then dinner at his house. :)
I really like getting to be able to go to his house. It means a lot to me to feel so welcomed into the family. <3

I can't wait till tomorrow.
<3

Night!

~Mary

January 19th, 2012

Lazy short post will be lazy and short, because tired.
Will also probably has no grammar.
Dragged self to class this morning.
I do not remember anything before being in the cafeteria with Danae and Sarah eating lunch.
Which, probably isn't good.
Oops.
Came back to the dorm, finished making a reed, wrote stupid flash cards, tumbled, and napped.
Woke up, practiced bassoon, had my lesson, sat at Varner for over 2 hours doing nothing.
Jake came by, I freshened up in the dorm, and Danae, Andy, Jake and I went to BWW. Second time this week. 60cent boneless wings. Booyeah. 50 wings.
Left overs.
Lunch tomorrow.
Hell yeah.
Cannot wait to go home tomorrow. Cannot wait at all. So ready for the weekend. Even though I'm aware of how much homework I actually have. Hopefully, I can bang most of it out tomorrow night.
MacGamut, at least.

I'm finishing this vitamin water, letting my hair air dry a bit more, and going to bed.
Night night.
Cannot wait to sleep.

~Mary

Nervous Habits

I hate them. I’ve acquired new ones. Biting and picking the skin on my lips.
They’re bloody, raw, and chapped. They sting and burn.
I don’t know why I do it.
But it hurts.

January 18th, 2012

It's felt like such a long day. A horribly long day, with many ups and downs and emotions swinging everywhere.
I woke up for class, and told my roommate about the idea I had last night, of "maybe I'd like to be a pediatric neurologist". Her response?
"You do know neurology is about the brain, right?"
...
Of course I fucking know that. I'm in a Neurologist's office every god damn month.
I know what neurology is.
And I like the idea of studying the brain.
I left, and felt really discouraged.
She posted a status as I was walking saying, "Wow, you really are out of ideas, aren't you? XD"
I figured it was about me (but apparently wasn't...) and thought.
I am out of ideas. I don't know what I want.
I know I'm not good enough.
I'm sick of people making me out to be so stupid.
I feel like I shouldn't have started school, I shouldn't take the risks to figure out what I want to do, I shouldn't bother because there's no way I could do it anyway.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Maybe I should just drop out of school until I'm REALLY ready...?

This thought ate away at me through most of my day, on top of an increasing migraine, and stomach cramps and problems. I didn't end up going to the gym like I had planned. I stayed back, and watched Sherlock instead, and tried resting. I've even eaten and showered, and I still feel like crap...
I cannot wait to finish my homework, take a sleep aid, and sleep. I wish I could sleep longer...

I don't like the depression.
I don't like the feeling ill.
I really want it all to stop.
I'd make it stop in a horrible way.
I don't doubt that I would.
But you're here.
You're all I have.
You're all I need to keep me standing.
You are my life support.

I love you.

Goodnight.

~Mary

January 17th, 2012

Today felt like such a long day. I woke up, went to a never ending class, went to another class, left said second class early because I felt horrible, had food, Sherlock'd, showered, did homework, Sherlock'd, went out for coffee and BWW with Jake, and now, here I am.

In theory class, we analyzed the Queen of the Night's aria from The Magic Flute, which really is an amazing aria. You have to be truly talented to hit those notes...

However, after we analyzed the original, Soroka let us listen to this.

There is legitimately a whole CD of stuff like that. ^ we all died.

In other news:

I am obsessed. That's just the end of it. And now, I can shake my fist with the Doctor Who fans and other Sherlockians, and say "MOFFAT!!!!! >:( "

Seriously, who waits a God damn year and a half in between seasons?! Who also makes three hour and a half episodes per season?! MADNESS.

But oh, I love it so.

Also, whilst writing and analyzing things for my writing class today, I realized I really have an interest in pediatric neurology. It seems really interesting and combines things I love: children, and mental/neurological disorders. However, I'm afraid I lack the motivation and drive to achieve this desire, to study hard, to get into medical school. 

I guess I just still don't know.

But it did hit a spark today. 

We'll just have to see what happens.

I don't really feel like writing too much here, considering I left Jake earlier than usual because I'm feeling really tired. I'm about to just pop up some sleep aids as a crutch, and fall asleep. Maybe I'll start reading Wallflower before I actually fall asleep, though. Oh well.

Goodnight!

~Mary

January 16th, 2012

Woke up really late today, more so on and off. Felt like crap. Showered. Ate. Did homework. Procrastinated. Homework. Procrastination. Netflix. Homework. The usual.
I'm all sucked into "Sherlock" now. Yikes.
I'm tired and going to bed early. Ive had a lot of thoughts today that are strange and I want to analyze them through the week....
8am class tomorrow.
Blah.

Short entry is short.

~Mary

January 15th, 2012

Mowmowmow.
Today was a really nice day.
Woke up next to my darling baby. <3 Love of my life!
Woke him with arms around him, and little kisses on his cheeks. :)
teeheemorningfun.
I showered, he cleaned up, and we went to breakfast at Kerby's. We then went out to the mall, where I spent way too much money!
I bought two new pairs of jeans at Torrid (straight leg! They look really nice and they're really comfy!!) as well as a top, and a cardigan top. The top itself was really an impulse buy, but since everything was a "buy one get one 50% off" sale, I can't return it. Oh well, I'll still wear it. It's just going to hurt my wallet a bit! I also snagged up a new body spray (it was a large bottle for $4, original $12! I think they're trying to get rid of their old style bottles of spray...), as well as a wallflower plugin, and a "fresh linen" scent for it. Still trying to think of where would be the best place to plug that in, as it needs to be upright, instead of on an extension cord... I also was a super-saver and got two nice nude bras at Victoria's secret... for like $6 each!!! My size bras are usually around $40 per bra!!!! :D I'm really excited. Hurray Outlet Stores!! :)
We also went into fye, and Jake got a bunch of used CDs for cheap, as well as magazine subscriptions, or whatever. He couldn't pick a third one he wanted, so he got me Cosmo. Haha. :)
After the mall, we got some gas, and went back towards his house. We grabbed Forza, an extra Xbox controller, and a book he was going to let me read, and headed to my house with some Starbucks. We played with Zoey for a bit (she was really scared about everything today. :( ) and then some Forza.
Danae and Andy came by, saw Zoey, and we all went out to Downtown Royal Oak, and had Noodles and Company. The Japanese Pan Noodles are SO DELICIOUS with shrimp!! Mmm! Getting that more often! It really made my tummy happy. And guess what! It hasn't rejected the meal yet! whee! :D
Afterwards, we were going to go to "fancy bowling" at the Emagine Star lanes, but it was an hour and a half wait... so we went to good  ol' Pampa lanes in Warren. We played a game, in which we all failed pretty hard at, and parted ways. :)
Daddy drove me back to the dorm, and now, here I am.
I still have to finish cleaning up the room a bit, and remake my bed, but I might call it a night soon.
Tomorrow, I have to get at least my macgamut, theory, and history stuff done, and probably should start on that research for writing. Jake's either coming up tomorrow or Tuesday to just hang out, since neither of us have school tomorrow (he wanted to go to the AutoShow though most of the day, so I'm okay if he doesn't tomorrow), and he works Wednesday instead of Tuesday this week. I think we'd just go up to Caribou and hang there and I'd do some homework, and he'd get some arrangements done for Panache or something. I dunno. As long as I'm around him. <3

Babe, I don't know if you read this or not... but I dunno. You just make me really happy. There were so many times tonight where I couldn't help looking at you and smiling. You just looked so handsome to me today, even though you just looked as normal as you usually do. Then again, you're always handsome. :)
I just know I'm so lucky to have you, and I love you, and we really need our own place sometime soon, so we never really have to part from each other! <3

I'm going to go finish my bed and such, and either browse on my laptop or phone, or just lay in bed with the tv on and fall asleep. No clue yet!

~Mary

January 14th, 2012

I am exhausted. So I'm going to post this for real tomorrow.
But here. Have a picture of my new guinea pig.

Edit:

It's the next day, but yes its a little late.

Basically... I woke up to go to see my brother at Solo and Ensemble, with full intentions of coming back after, cleaning the dorm, doing homework and getting stuff done.

Got a guinea pig instead. Haha.

I wanted to show dad the guinea pig at PetSmart, and he fell in love with them and got one right on the spot. Obviously, the photos above are of my guinea pig. Her name is Zoey. :) But I just keep calling her "Piggy"... :P Mom wanted to name her "Ginger" or "Ginny", but I thought those were lame. So... Zoey. :) <3

She's so skiddish and scared, but hopefully she'll just get used to our house, and being handled. She's still a little baby. They're not allowed to put them out for sale until they're 3 months old, and they said they had just put her out on the floor earlier in the week. :) <3

Buckley is surprisingly okay with her. 

Jake came over, since I ended up spending the day at my house getting the cage ready, and just obsessing over her. <3 He picked me up, and we came back out to Rochester. I wanted to tell my friend Michelle about the guinea pig, since I had adopted her from the store she works at. So we went in there while she was working and chatted. 

Jake was a trooper, for understanding I just wanted my left over chinese food for dinner! He got himself a burger and fries at Five Guys while I was finishing talking to Michelle, and it worked out nice. <3

We headed on over to go see Cosi fan tutte, which was a great show, though... it seems every OU show I go to see, some audience member near me pisses me off. >:(

This was my facebook post about it: 

Cosi fan tutte was great! However, I thought adults were supposed to be mature. First of all, it's a bassoon, not an oboe. Yeah, its just the overture but the reason I'm here is to support friends in the pit orchestra, so stop being disrespectful. Just cos your kid isn't on stage right now doesn't mean you can speak at a loud volume behind me. Also, it's common knowledge that you're not supposed to have food in a recital hall, so put your god damn skittles away. /End rage.

Also, I think I leaned my head on Jake's shoulder and heard a "gosh, get a room." 

I was really pissed off during most of Act II. But the show was great, and Danae did a great job in the pit. 

I was really tired afterwards, since it started at 8pm, was a three hour show, and I had been up and doing stuff since 7am that morning, and with all the excitement about the guinea pig... just wiped.

We went to Meijer for a few things I needed, and then came back, and Jake spent the night. <3

:)

That was the day.

~Mary

January 13th, 2012

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning.
Last night was horrible. Horribly horrible, I can't even explain it. I was at such lows, and it was just so hard. I tossed and turned all night. My lips are chapped and broken from biting at them all night, my eyes are still sore, my body aches. After I post this, I'm taking a nap. I don't care if its almost 9pm, and I should just go to sleep soon for good. I just want to doze off and feel peaceful for a while.
I got up earlier than needed to because Danae had an earlier class. I got ready, and grabbed breakfast, ate, sat online, got bored, and crawled into bed. I was really upset when it was 10:20 and I knew I had to get up and go to my 10:40 class.
To make it worse, it was a fucking blizzard outside. Now, I love snow. Just... not... when I have to go places? Or be outside? Or when its really snowing hard and its really windy. I made it though, and couldn't stop zoning out during Theory. :/ And I sat in the front, at one of the tables today, so Soroka must have thought I was going insane....
I hauled ass upstairs to get my bassoon and the contra, played in class, dragged shit back up, and went to lunch. I was originally going to get shrimp tempura sushi stuff, but then I noticed it was almost $10 for shitty pieces. Then I was going to get cheaper California Rolls, but the avocado just looked a little brown, and I didn't want it. So, I was unhealthy and had Chick-Fil-A, and a Strawberry Banana Sobe. Which, that reminds me, I should put it in the fridge.
Did my bassoon lesson, and that went surprisingly well. Had studio class. I feel like I have a better grasp on the Contra now. I'm really glad.
Came back around 5:30, chilled out, did my writing homework, ordered Chinese, ate the Chinese, and now, here I am.
I'm going to either start reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" until I doze, or more Law and Order SVU till I doze. I'm going to wake back up to talk to Jake when he gets off work, and do homework or something.
Tomorrow I have to get up early to go to see my brother perform and Solo and Ensemble. And then I'm hopefully seeing Cosi fan tutte tomorrow night, unless tickets are sold out and Jake can't get one... in which case I'll try to exchange my comp ticket for a ticket for Sunday afternoon. I want to see it, but with him.

Anyways, I'm tired.
I'm going to try to figure out how to put a video from today up here.

~Mary

Seriously?

Ever since you left for Arkansas last year, you've turned into nothing but a stuck up brat that whines about everything.
You're constantly going back and forth with a dickhead that all you do is complain about, that he's trash, disrespectful, stupid, annoying, and trouble. 
I try to care for you, protect you, keep you safe, but you don't give a fuck. You're just going to disagree, and give me shit like "k."
Since you left, you've been this way. You haven't given a shit about anyone that cares about you.
Apparently the only person that cares about you anymore is Nikki. Nikki's the one that feeds you shit from Lakeview, the one that tells you people are still talking about Brandon, the one who stirs the pot of drama to piss you off. She's not a fucking friend.


"Dear family of Jess Craner, leave her alone for leaving. It was her decision and she needed to get away. She's been through a lot these past couple of years. You cannot blame her for leaving just because she needed a fresh start. You need to get over yourselves and realize you're the ones being selfish due to the fact that you can't stop blaming her for leaving. Sincerely, the only one who cares about her still."


That. That is fucking BULLSHIT.
You say it like SHE'S the only one who's been through any fucking problems in her god damn life. We are all affected by his fucking death too, we've all been through a lot these past couple of years. She left for a "fresh start"? No. She left because she was too much of a coward to face anything, be a bigger person, and grow up. I think I have a right to be selfish about wanting to protect the girl that's been like a sister to me for the last however many years, nearly two decades. Everyone was having a tough time, and yes, she abandoned us during that.
And what has she done since she got to Arkansas? Complained, about everything.


It ISN'T fair.


And now I'm in fits of anger and sadness and feelings that I can't get rid of. I've taken plenty of pain killers and sleep aids hoping they'll keep me from a breakdown, but that's failed. I'm crying, holding back sobs, trying to hide my feelings from my roommate because I don't want to talk about what's wrong...


Tentacles.


Bullshit.


Terror.


Anxiety.


Depression.


All of it.


And to think I was having an alright day until tonight...

January 12th, 2012

My dinner tonight is kraft mac and cheese. Bleh.
I didn't know what else I'd want to eat. :/


Anyways. Made it through my classes this morning, and went to the gym, done a whole lot of nothing since then, really, other than laundry.


Also...

Really? Piano majors shouldn’t act like they know anything and everything about wind instruments. There’s a small chance that you have played a wind instrument at some point in time, but you probably don’t know it too well.

I don’t care if you don’t think a flute should be a woodwind because the modern flute is metal and doesn’t use a reed. That. Does. Not. Make. It. A. Brass. Instrument.

First of all, I’m more than 100% positive that the first “flute” and variations of it were originally made out of… guess what. WOOD. Yeah! Imagine that!

Secondly, the way instruments are organized and categorized in Western music doesn’t solely depend on what it is made of or how sound is produced, exactly. I believe it’s a combination of many different factors that classify an instrument in a certain category. Yes, most woodwinds use reeds for the sound to vibrate, but I feel that there is another categorizing feature, a common quality that clarinets, saxophones, oboes, bassoons, AND flutes have that makes them so much different than brass instruments. Most clear to me is the keys. Brass instruments have valves as opposed to holes and keys. You have three valves on a brass instrument, and therefore, obviously limited finger combinations. Because of that, most of the different notes are created by the way the mouth is shaped. Yes, some parts of wind instruments require a different shape of mouth, too, but usually to assist in a better sound in different octaves. But generally, press a combination of keys, you get one note. Different combination, different note. This si something else that I feel separates the categories more.

I’m primarily a bassoonist, formerly and secondly a flutist. I have played clarinet, I have played saxophone. I haven’t played the oboe, but I’m aware that it is the same generality. I think I understand and know at least a little something about this.

This isn’t something that goes for every person, but most young piano majors at my university seem to think that they’re better than a wind, brass, or string player. Why? Because you have more repitoire? Because you can read two clefs at once? Because you think you know more basic theory? Because playing the piano is “hard”? Stop. Think. Calm down. Chill. Be polite. Not a snob.

In the end, a flute is a god damn flute, and a flute is classified as a god damn WOODWIND, and its probably not going to change, so just deal with it, and don’t argue.

I also finished "It's Kind of a Funny Story". Not sure I have too much interest in the movie, because I really did enjoy the book, and the movie seems SO different....

“It’s Kind of a Funny Story” is still making so much sense to me. Everything is clear. Depression is clear.

The Tentacles do exist, there are Fake Shifts, I can find an Anchor…

At this point, the Tentacles are just eating away at me, twisting and turning every chance they get, making everything seem worse than it probably is…

Problem after problem, thought after thought…

Thought is bad.

I am getting sick of this depression.

I'm going to try and not breakdown anymore tonight, but... that may require I rely on old, unhealthy habits of keeping me calm.

Medication. Unnecessary medication. :/

Hoping to watch the episode of "Face Off" that I didn't watch yesterday cos I was out with Jake online... and then crash...

Not much else to say today. Night.

~Mary

January 11th, 2012

This is going to be short because I'm doing it from my phone so that my keyboard tapping and light doesn't disturb my roommate. Even though tomorrow I'll have to log on and put in a photo I wanted to or something.
I went to class class class today.
In piano, I aced my skill quiz. Fucking kum-by-ya. Literally. That was my quiz.
I came back to the dorm on my break with an iced coffee in a hot coffee cup. Haha. Silly chartwells Starbucks! I sat down and did my world cultures homework. So stupid... But I got it done.
In wind symphony, I played the contra part. :D I sounded pretty cool, I think.
Didn't eat much at lunch cos I had a huge breakfast which settled nicely in my stomach.
Um. Writing class was good again. I'm really liking it. We have to do a research assignment about our majors. Since I don't currently have a major, I'm going to do mine on child care I think. :)
I came back to the room, snacked, internetted, and wrote out some writing notes. Got dressed up and spoiled with Olive Garden. :)
Nightly shenanigans.
Came back. Showered. Now.
In bed texting my baby and trying to ignore the pounding I'm hearing from a room over. 80% sure someone's having sex in there...... -_-

Bye bye.
~Mary

January 10th, 2012

I'm getting lazier and lazier with these blog posts. But eh.
Going through my day step by step is probably just as tedious to read as it is to type.
If anyone reads this.
Basically.
Woke up, got out of bed, dozed off in History, went to Theory/Aural, stuffed my face, took a nap, woke up with food rejecting me, felt like shiiiiiiiit, didn't have any pain killers, lazed around, kind of so far have managed to hold down peanut butter, bread, milk, and a banana...
I've just showered, and I'm sitting here with a towel still on my head, with my "Writing Analytically" book sitting in front of me. I should open it and read the chapters for tomorrow.
And yet, "Its Kind of a Funny Story" is taunting me. I want to read more. Gah.

I'm hungry.
No, I'm not hungry. I just want taste.
:(

We're almost out of milk.

Why am I saying pointless stuff?

-_-

Okay, bye.

~Mary

January 9th, 2012

This will be another short journal today, I suspect. I've felt pretty crappy all day.
The only thing so far that has made it worthwhile was my writing class. I really like that professor.
All my other classes were just blah, and made me feel even more tired than I was.
I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm still having troubles eating.
I just don't know what to do... :/

I finally finished that World Cultures homework. It still makes no sense. This is the worst textbook ever. Its poorly written, and hard to understand... and who the hell writes a textbook in a first person narrative?! So weird...

Hopefully tomorrow's better, though I doubt it will be. 8am classes, and done at noon... then, nothing. Empty loneliness, again, as Jake will be at work in the evening, and Danae will be at rehearsal at 7pm... I just hate feeling alone. It makes everything 10x worse... Maybe I just require too much unnecessary attention...
Perhaps tomorrow if there's not too much to do, I'll possibly finish reading It's Kind of a Funny Story. I'm already half way through, and that's just with a little reading at the end of each day, or at the gym. Maybe I'll go to the gym tomorrow, but Danae had said she wanted to go with me, so it would be in the afternoon, before she has to go to Cosi rehearsal.
Also, I need to see Cosi this weekend. Don't know which day I want to go... wanna see if Jake's interested, even though tickets are $10 for him.... I was thinking about Thursday, since its "pay what you wish", and he could get in for $1, but he normally works Thursday evenings. :/

Oh well.
He's apparently coming over. And then I'm going there. Even though its almost 8pm. And its getting late. And he'll just have to drive me back really soon after getting there... and then drive himself home... I feel awful.
And I don't think I can stomach any food that his dad is apparently making. :/
I dunno.
I just know that I want to curl up and cry.
Again.

I hate this.
Why now?
Everything was going great.

~Mary

I hate this.

I’m sore. I feel hot. I’m tense. I’m exhausted. I’m unstable. I can’t sleep. I’m starting to cry. I’m in the bathroom because I didn’t want Danae to hear me. I have no sleep aids. I have class at 9:40am. I’m stressed already for no reason. I’m uncomfortable. I just want to be a functioning human. Why can’t I be?

January 8th, 2012

Probably won't say much today. Because its been a boring day.

I rolled out of bed around 10:30am, showered, and did nothing.
Procrastinated.
Did nothing.
Looked at homework.
Procrastinated.
Ate food.
Procrastinated.
Did a little homework.
Procrastinated.
Got $250 for my books from Sarah.
Procrastinated.
Made Ramen.
Ramen made me feel like shit.
I've felt sore tonight, mostly in my abdomen, because of working out last night.
I'm bored, and cranky, and tired.
I just want to eat this Alfredo, and have my skype date.
And go to sleep.
And NOT have class tomorrow.
But I do.
And I don't want it.
And I'm just whining and complaining.
And I hate that.
Anyways.
Yeah. That was today.
Bye.

~Mary

January 7th, 2012

Today has been a fantastic and productive day for me, I believe.
I was getting "wake up!!" texts from Jake at 6:45am on a Saturday. Normally, on a Saturday, I'm the one sending him "WAKE UP!!" texts... at noon.
He's cute. But once I woke up, I was hungry.
I showered, did my hair, got dressed and ready for the day, and he came by near 11am.
I was told I looked cute today, and due to later actions, apparently pretty sexy? Lmao, or maybe someone just has a thing for button downs! ;)

Anyways, we went to Kerby's and had breakfast/lunch together, and then we just kind of walked up and down the strip of stores on Adams in that center. Radioshack, Gamestop, Claire's... and PetSmart, where we played with all the kitties again, and saw an adorable Beagle.

We walked back to Jake's car, and I did my runs to pick up any job apps that I needed to grab that weren't online. During this, we came across this little place we'd never noticed before. It's called "The Half Day Cafe". Cleverly named, as its only open from 8am till 3pm each day!
I filled out an application, and was told if I returned around 2pm, someone would be able to sit down and interview me, as they were looking for people to hire.
The interview went well, and the things I saw him write down on the app were good, but he said he had to talk to the owner first, and get a few other applications.
I really think I might have this job, and it'd be great. It'd be really great.

We came back and... er... hung out.
Yeah.
I lost the ability to even.
Again.
It was fantastic.
Whee.

Jake and I ran up to Panera real quick before he had to leave for work, and once again, they didn't have enough for two large mac and cheese orders. This ALWAYS happens to us! This time, they gave us both smalls, and brought us the other half of our food in to go containers when it was done. We also BOTH got free toffee nut cookies. I got a mango smoothie. But it tasted like banana...
After Jake dropped me off, I went to the mother fucking gym.
I burned 300 calories tonight.
I'm happy.

Tonight, I'm doing homework, cleaning the dorm, doing laundry...

You know what? On my way back from the gym, I smiled, and started crying.
Good crying. Very good crying.
After getting out of the gym, I realized how happy I was, how wonderful today was...
I'm focusing hard on school, and getting work done.
I'm serious about losing weight, and going to the gym often.
I might have a decent job that I'll enjoy lined up.
The love of my life is my best friend.
I have a god damn future, and this excites me and makes me feel so happy.

I haven't achieved any of my goals yet.
I don't have a 3.0 GPA.
I haven't lost weight or gained muscle.
I haven't officially gotten the job.
I don't have the dream apartment with him yet, nor are we engaged or married.
I haven't achieved any of the goals.

But I'm actually working towards them now.

Instead of giving up on everything.

Giving up on school.
Giving up on my body.
Giving up on money.
Giving up on love.
Giving up on life.

I'm giving a shit, and I'm trying, and that is enough for me to be so extremely happy.
I'm amazed...

I'm going to go see if a dryer has freed up yet, and hopefully exchange clothes around.
I might not get anymore homework done tonight. Because yeah, I am really tired. I don't even think I'll shower until tomorrow morning (which is pretty gross, but I don't even care. I'm going to be sore tomorrow, too...)

I love today. It's great.

~Mary

Job Apps

I need a job.
However, I don't have a car.
So I looked up most businesses that are within a mile from me at Oakland.
This is what I'll be doing tonight and tomorrow, basically.

• Verizon wireless
• Buddy’s pizza
• Olga’s
• Red ox tavern
• The ups store
• Textbook Outlet
• Caribou coffee
• Blimpie's subs
• Cold stone creamery
• Little Caesars
• Plato's closet
• Trader Joe's
• Whole foods
• Busche's food market
• CVS
• Boston market
• Max and Erma's
• Maggie moos
• Yankee candle
• Victoria’s secret
• Pottery barn
• Gap
• Brilliant sky toys and books
• Chicos
• Gap kids
• GameStop
• burgrz 
• Jets pizza
• Hungry Howie's
• Papa Romano 
• TGI Friday 
• Childtime
• Applebee’s 
• Homestead studio suites
• Romano's macaroni grill

January 6th, 2012

"Woke up.

Got out of bed.

Dragged a comb across my head."

I woke up late, on purpose. I didn't need to be up very early at all, since my first class wasn't until 10:40am. What a nice time for a class. Seriously, its great. However, once I get into "school mode", my body refuses to stay asleep any later than 8:30am. So, weekends will be hell for me...

I made it to Theory on time, sat in there for an hour. I realized as we were flipping through the anthology (the one that costs $180 used, that I got for $7 on amazon... (later, we realized it was supposed to come with 10 CDs... and didn't.)) that the previous owner had written A LOT inside of it. And it is one of those books that you have to write in, since this whole half of the class is about analyzing music, and marking it, and stuff. So, I need to run to Wal-Mart tonight, more than likely, to get a huge eraser (there was a big eraser at the school store, but it was $3... I can find a bigger one at Wal-Mart for $1.) so I can make the pages clean for me to write on. That's one reason I probably won't ever sell my Tonal Harmony textbook for theory, because there are "self-tests" in the book, that we have to write on the pages, and I was a dumbass and did half of them in pen. I should remember the first rule of musicians: Pencils. Always pencils. Never pens. Oh well.

I ran to Wind Symphony, as I only have about 10 minutes to go up a floor, grab my instrument, go down two floors, set up my instrument, and be ready to play. Wind Symphony went fine. I feel like I just kind of zoned out a lot there today. But I was hungry...

Danae, Sarah, and I went to the OC for lunch (Vandenberg cafeteria stops serving warm lunch at 1:30 (which is when Wind Symphony lets out...), and you're limited to whatever sandwich stuff, soup, or salad is left. Or cereal.) and I tried the "Chop'd & Wrap'd" station. The Shanghai Chicken Salad seemed really good, as my friend Kaitie had eaten it the day before, and so that's what I ordered. I was kind of bummed, though. It was a  mixed greens salad with lo mein noodles, scallions, chicken, and a sesame ginger dressing. I feel like it would have been a million times better if the chicken wasn't freezing cold, and if there was less dressing... Next time I'm in the mood for a salad though, I'm going to try the Chicken Caesar Salad Wrap, on a spinach wrap, or honey wheat. I've been told that's really good. 

I went with Sarah to the bookstore, as she had to get more of her books for classes, now that she has money. She got the two books she needed there, and we tallied up how much it would cost her to buy books off of me. She's taking the history class I took last semester, now, and I offered to sell her my books for Oakland's used book price, minus the cost of a small book for my history class that she has. Total, minus the book she owes me, its going to cost her $250.30. That includes a heavy ass textbook, two anthologies, and two packets of 8 CDs each that go with the anthologies. I think I'll just be giving the money I get from her back to my mother, as she paid for my other textbooks for this semester, as well as the previous semester. I want to feel responsible for more of my schooling, even though I can barely afford to.

I came back to the dorm, and just hung out. I organized some stuff for school, updated my handy dandy whiteboard with homework assignments, and all. 

Not too much to do, but still needs to get done. This looks so different than how it did during finals. yeesh.

I munched on some chips and salsa from Chili's, and tried calling the bank to inquire about a $500 held deposit on my credit card that I'm allowed to claim after 6 months (aka, now), and I'm waiting for some woman to contact me about that. Which, probably won't happen until Monday. At about the time I'm in class, I'm willing to bet...

Danae's off to Varner to rehearse for Cosi fan tutte (which I can't wait to go see!), and then she's going to the gym after, (more than likely). I would go, but Jake doesn't have to work tonight, so he's coming over instead. I definitely intend to go tomorrow evening, as a distraction while Jake's at work... He can't spend the night tonight, though, unfortunately, because Danae is staying overnight so she can attend an 11am rehearsal for Cosi tomorrow morning. 

But its okay. Because Danae and I were talking, and we're most definitely going to figure out how to make forts out of our beds, and we've agreed to have a MaryJakeDanaeAndy sleep over party some weekend soon. :) Hopefully they can be regular occurrences!

Obviously, I'm not writing this at the end of my day. I still have stuff going on, but I'm willing to bet if I were to write it all out later tonight once I'm about to go to sleep, it would have been far less filled, and the size of yesterday's entry made me sad.

So, I'm sitting here, waiting for Jake to come over. We're going to go to Outback for dinner (I'm only about 500 points away from being able to get an outback reward! FREE FOOD! WHEE), and hopefully Wal-Mart for a bit. There are a few things I want to pick up.

• sticky notes
• sticky tabs
• pens
• giant eraser
• febreeze
• folders
• notebooks/pads
• bookmark
• glitter glue?
• markers?
• stickers?
• "girly stuff"

Should be able to get all that there for a pretty cheap price...

Tomorrow, is my "get shit done" day. I have these days all the time. But tomorrow, these are my plans:

• Do all my homework
• Do all my laundry
• Clean the fuck out of the dorm room
• Disinfect the dorm room
• Go to the gym
• Along with the typical "facebook, tumblr, be bored" nonsense

Hopefully, it will work out, and I'll be not stressed. I like being not stressed.

That's all for now. :)

~Mary

January 5th, 2012

I don't think this will be a long journal, solely because I just painted my nails so its uncomfortable to type, I'm starving, I just wanna curl up in bed and read!

8am classes are a bugger.
Tossed and turned, woke up at 4am from a dream about getting a phone call from a classmate asking why I wasn't in class, and (in the dream) I woke up to see that it was 8:45 and I was late. Wasn't real.
Woke up again at about 5:30 to a dream where I was part of NCIS with everyone, plus Jake, and Danae. We found Mozart's dead body, his wife, and some other girl, and I was with Ducky trying to figure out what happened. Then we had to get them into my green minivan, with the groceries we had just bought from Meijer. Some of the dead moldy nasty stuff or whatever got all over some apples and we had to throw them away, obviously. That was weird.
Went to the bathroom, and then laid awake in bed until 6am, dozed off, alarm went off at 6:30am, got out of bed. Washed my face, brushed my teeth, made oatmeal, did my hair, got dressed, dragged self to class.
Continued to doze off during my first day of Music of World Cultures. The teacher doesn't stop droning about the same stuff. Was a bit more awake in Theory/Aural. banged those out. Went and got lunch with Sarah and Danae, went to explore the rec center, went to Varner, watched Danae practice for Cosi fan tutte, Duby brought the Contra, I can actually play the contra, went back to the dorm, snacked, changed, went to the gym with Danae and Sarah, worked off at least 200 calories, back at the dorm, showered, painted nails, now.
I'm really too zoned out and tired to say much of anything else. Its just kind of been a structured day.
Tomorrow, I don't have class until 10:40am, its an hour, then Wind Symphony, and bam, done at 1:30pm. Then, I think Jake's coming over, and the day/evening will go from there. I'm thinking it might be a pizza/movie night if he decides to stay over, since he doesn't work.
Wheeeee.
Here's a photo of me lovin' on the contra.

Nighty night, sleep tight.

~Mary

January 4th, 2012

January 4^th, 2012

Since I’m back in school, I figured I needed to find a better way to write these entries so that I can remain consistent. I figure, since I generally ALWAYS have a notebook on my person at all times, instead of writing at the end of the day, I’ll write throughout. If I’m bored in a class, I’ll start jotting down things that have happened, or my thoughts on some things. I just tried to write “some things” as one word. Yikes. I really do need to be back in school!

So, as I’m writing this NOW, the day’s not over, but I’ve already decided it’s going to be one where I’m exhausted at the end of the day, so I should get writing what I can now.

So, the day started with the typical “first day of school” anxiety. The whole, waking up every hour to check the clock and make sure I didn’t sleep past my alarm, restless tossing and turning, dozing on and off when it got closer to the set alarm, and then, once I finally had to get up, the desire to just stay nestled in the blankets forever. Fortunately, I did get up. Did my bathroom stuff, fixed my hair (though, it looked pretty bitchin’ today, if I do say so myself… see a photo coming soon!), and got some of my stuff together. After I got dressed, Danae and I went and had breakfast in the cafeteria. Chocolate. Banana. Granola. Oatmeal. The best thing I have ever eaten. I’m half tempted to get instant oatmeal from the store, and a bag of chocolate chips, and banana chips. Okay, this is the best idea of my entire life. I’m so proud of myself. Anyways. Had breakfast, hustled off to my first class at 8:40am. I get there literally at 8:39, to find a sign saying that all Keyboarding classes are cancelled due to instructor illness. Of course, I didn’t get an email.

I hung out and chatted with Renee (who I am so glad is in my class. I was really worried going in, that since I had to switch times for my classes, I wouldn’t have any classes with the friends I made first semester! And apparently Eric is in there too, which is nice.) for a while, said hello to Sarah, and then decided there was no point in staying at Varner for three hours until Wind Symphony at noon. I headed over to the Oakland Center bookstore to pick up my online order, since they were closed by the time I got here last night. I got my three books. They’re all really small, which I am so thankful for. My history book last year was hardcover, and HUGE, and came with also very thick anthologies that I had to lug to class every day. Hopefully, I’ll be able to sell those books to my friend Sarah, as she’s taking the class this semester.

Said, "bitchin' hair".

After getting my books, I napped. Well, I read a little bit of It’s Kind of a Funny Story, and then napped for a while. I woke up in time to run off to Wind Symphony, thankfully.

At Wind Symphony, the most wonderful thing happened.

Cunningham gave me the CONTRABASSOON part for a piece we’re playing. I am so excited! Hopefully, my hands are actually big enough to play the contra, but I really really really want to play it. I’ll need to learn more about it, and buy a reed, but I’m still excited. Want want want want want so badly!

That, my friends, is a contrabassoon. The best damn instrument ever.

After Wind Symphony, we packed up, and Danae, Kaitie, and some other girl that sits behind us, went to lunch in the OC food court. Hurray for having the only Chick-Fil-A in the state! We ate, and then shoved off for our 2:40pm classes, which I was a little late to, but the timing kinks will get fixed easily, I’m sure.

I totally like my writing teacher this semester. She’s really cool, and this class seems really laid back, yet enjoyable. Looking very forward to her lectures, for sure, even though I already have an assignment… Oh well.

We went back at the dorm, where I did a wash load of towels, (I left all my towels here, dirty, over break, so I needed to make sure I wash them before taking a shower tonight. I had to bring two beach towels from home for last night’s shower.) and waited for Jake to come pick us up to go to Meijer, and more than likely, dinner.

Once Jake showed up, we piled into his car, and went to Meijer. Surprisingly, we spent over 2 hours in fucking Meijer, mostly looking for my dried banana chips that I wanted for my oatmeal… We bought some groceries, and I bought a few toiletries, but as far as money, not too bad. Just a little over $100 was spent, and this is food that will probably last us most of the semester, since its mostly crackers, oatmeal, and cereal. I also bought mostly Meijer brand, which saved A LOT.

Two things, one, I’ve just showered using my new shampoo and conditioner. I smell like fucking candy, and I absolutely love it. I’ve always wanted a shampoo that smells like berry, instead of the “coconut-scented shampoo”. I used to love the coconut, but now it’s just boring. Oddly enough, this shampoo was the cheapest. I’ll have to look at the receipt, but I’m almost positive each bottle (shampoo and conditioner) was under $1.

AND, its pomegranate scented. Mmmm.

Next thing, I’ve realized why the “Special K Challenge” is a challenge. It’s a fucking challenge because not all stores have most of their products, and each of their products is about $5. Sorry, I don’t want to pay about $1 per protein bar, or per protein shake, or per fiber bar or anything. Sorry, but no. I will find cheaper alternatives with similar values. Its like 8g of protein, 5g of fiber in everything or something. About 100 calories. I’ll still eat healthy without the K brand. I did, however, but one type of meal bar, one type of the snack crisps, two kinds of their cereal, and I already had a bag of the chips here from mom. Most of anything I bought today was still healthy, including plain oatmeal, banana chips, some fruits, granola, cherrios, lean cuisine frozen meals… the most unhealthy thing I bought was a slim jim, which I ate before I was even out the door. I’d been craving one of those for a long time…

We went to Chili’s for dinner, and that also took forever. Slow service. Urgh.

But, I’m back at the dorm, freshly showered, and highly exhausted. I have an 8am class tomorrow, and so I’m most definitely going to need all the rest I can get.

Tata~

~Mary

P.S. Sorry this is so late. We got back at around 11:30 from dinner, and so I showered, and thus, it is past midnight. But oh well.

January 3rd, 2012

At school again, classes haven't even begun, and I'm already annoyed with it all.

I woke up from some strange dreams today, involving my ex boyfriend's grandmother. Weird.
Eventually I dragged myself out of bed, showered first thing, and made lunch.

Shrimp spring rolls, with sweet Thai chili sauce. That is what I had for lunch. I am in love. I wish I could make them in my dorm room, but they require an oven for the proper texture. :(

I did the dishes because they started to gross me out, and then lazed around. Jake came over for a bit before work, and we basically just snuggled on the couch watching Kitchen Nightmares. He had to leave around 3, though. :(

After he left, my emotional and mental limits had been hit. I broke down from stress and anger and everything. Between mom yelling at me, me being uncoordinated, and just general blah-ness, I hit a few sobbing breakdowns throughout the afternoon/evening. I eventually calmed down, but to the point where I could still feel the dried tears on my cheeks, and the conscious effort to breathe deeply and relax. 

I got everything packed into bins. It was just easier to use three bins instead of cramming everything into the giant bag, and taking a bin. I think it worked out nicely. 

Mom made stuffed peppers for dinner, and with the smells that were wafting through the house all evening, I was rather excited about them. However, I've been having issues with the way tomatoes taste lately. This really upsets me, because I love tomatoes... they just taste... funny, lately. That's the only way I can describe it, really. They taste like the way a lake smells. I'm not fond of it. I don't understand why they taste that way, but I'm hoping its only temporary because I'm still getting over a cold, or because maybe they aren't in season, so they're weird, I don't know, this is a run-on sentence, most of my sentences are run on sentences, but oh well, fuck you. Anyways, the tomato sauce in the peppers just didn't sit right with me, so I stopped eating quite early through. Surprisingly, my mother accepted the fact that I didn't like how they tasted tonight, and was okay with  me having a bowl of Cherrios and strawberries. After those, I was quite full and content.

UGH, NIGHTWATCH. 

There's a system that our school has called "nightwatch", meant to prevent people who aren't supposed to be in the residence buildings from getting in. Someone sits at a desk just inside the door, and swipes ID cards, and if you aren't supposed to be in the building, you have to have someone sign you in. The sign in process is pretty long, and annoying, since its handwritten, instead of computer done. The nightwatch system used to start at 11pm, according to the signs that are posted in my hall. However, they now start at fucking 8pm. If you come in the doors after 8pm, you either have to swipe your card, or be signed in by a resident.

Now, I had to wait a while for move-in day today, as my father was busy working, and couldn't take me until after dinner. That was fine. However, we arrived at around 8:10pm. Nightwatch had begun. 

I asked the guy if I could just have my dad come up with me to help me put stuff into my room. He said, no, he'd have to be signed in to go any further than the desk. Fine, whatever. I took what I had in my hands upstairs, came back down, and took the bins from him. I rushed to empty everything into a huge pile on my bed, and then went to take the bins back downstairs. I did so, said goodbye to my father, and, as a decent human with manners, opened and held the door for my father to get out with the dolly. I took not even two steps out that door, continued to touch the door, and yet, when I came back in, the guy who had signed me in not even 10 minutes ago, argued that I needed to swipe my ID again. Which, of course, was in my room. He threw a fit, and wrote me up for a violation. I argued that this was stupid, that I didn't even leave the building. He rolled his eyes and said "Fine. If you come down and bring me your ID in the next five minutes, I'll void the violation." I did so, but was NOT happy about it.

I was pretty pissed about that, and it almost caused another breakdown for today, but I held back. 

I unpacked, showered, and now here I am.

Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream Chips, and Strawberry Orange Sunny D are my best buds right now. They are satisfying my late night hunger. I better get the junk in now.

Tomorrow, after classes, I'm going to Meijer, where I will officially be starting the "Special K Challenge". I am adamant about losing some weight this year, and maintaining it. The special K challenge seems the safest to me, and the most delicious. A lot of the Kellog's "K" brand, I quite enjoy the taste of. What better way is there to lose weight than by eating food that you like the taste of? I'm sure I'll eventually get sick of it, but hey. Its a healthy start!

My biggest problem with the Special K Challenge, is that even though I selected the "On the Go" plan, its still suggesting that I make certain meals for dinner. Unfortunately, being in the dorm room, I can't make these delicious looking dishes from scratch, and a box meal from the store would probably not have the same nutritional values that their recipies would. So, my plan is to try and find something suitable at the dining hall or dinner that night, and just not eat too much.

So tomorrow, I have quite the shopping list, as Jake is taking me out to Meijer to get some groceries and necessities. 

• Special K foods
• Apples
• Strawberries
• Dried fruits
• Carrots
• Nonfat chocolate milk
• Butter
• Cheddar Goldfish
• Febreeze
• Razor Blades?
• A few frozen meals
• Popcorn?
• A whole bunch of other delicious yummy stuff

I can't wait for tomorrow's classes to be over. I have Keyboard at 8:40am, Wind Symphony at 12pm, and Writing at 2:40pm. Then, shopping. Whee.

In between one of those classes, I need to head over to the OC and get my books from the bookstore. :(

Ah, well. I'm tired. So I think I'm going to pop into bed and maybe read, or something.

Nighty night!

~Mary

P.S. I've been pretty good about remembering this so far!