So Much for a Holiday Break

Writing down stuff on my whiteboard and calendar and sticky notes about the week, and fuck this shit. I will barely get to spend any time with my family.

It’s a read more, so you don’t have to see my bitching if you don’t really want to.

I get to go home Wednesday night to start my break, have my shit already in the car before I go to work at 2:45 after class, and won’t get to my house to unload it or see anyone until probably near 10:45 at night.

Depending what time I come out of a coma on Thursday morning, I have to clean the house, cook, try to do something for Jake’s birthday, have thanksgiving dinner at my house, TRY to maybe relax for five minutes, go to something with Jake, come home early, and sleep (maybe) and have nightmares about not waking up on time the next morning because….

Fucking why do I have to work 6am until 2pm on fucking BLACK FRIDAY. Are you insane. I’m a second shift primary person. I AM NOT GOOD AT SPEED OF SERVICE, OR BREAKFAST ITEMS. I have NEVER worked a full eight hour morning shift like that, and the first one you want to throw me on is BLACK FRIDAY? Where everyone is already pissed off about everything and then I have to serve them coffee and try to smile, while running around like a chicken with my head cut off?! REALLY? ALSO, I’M PRETTY SURE MY AVAILABILITY FOR EVERY DAY STILL SAYS I’M NOT ABLE TO WORK ANYTHING BEFORE 2PM. FUCKING GOD.

So, once I work all day then, maybe I can get home and NOT pass out and spend some time with my family, or something. BUT WAIT. I HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP AND HAVE MORE NIGHTMARES ABOUT NOT WAKING UP ON TIME FOR THE STUPID 10:30AM TO 6:30PM SHIFT I HAVE ON SATURDAY.

What even is that shift? Here’s how our set “shift” times go: 

1st shift: 6am-2pm

2nd shift: 2pm-10pm

Midnight (3rd Shift): 10pm-6am

Why. The hell. Are you. THROWING ME TO WORK IN BETWEEN TWO SHIFTS LIKE THAT? WHY. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that you’re trying to give me as many hours as possible, giving me essentially the break shift for 2nd, while not cutting it to the normal 5 hour shift that it is, BUT WHY. WHY WHY WHY. Also, if I have to work that shift again with Amelia, I will explode. Today when I go in, if someone is there, I am going to talk to them and ask them to PLEASE, IF AT ALL POSSIBLE EVER, AVOID SCHEDULING ME WITH AMELIA. 

She doesn’t do shit and isn’t in charge, and gets mad at us because she isn’t. She tells us to do all the shit she doesn’t want to do and gets mad if we say “no”. Which I did last Saturday. AND IF WE ARE FUCKING TRAINING THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD AGAIN I WILL EXPLODE.

ANYWAYS. 

After the what the fuck shift from hell, I’m going to try to be semi presentable in my car and go to Jake’s for his family’s thanksgiving dinner, or at least, left overs.

Then Sunday I get to go back to OU where all the school stress and anxiety starts right back up where it left off.

Then, I’m assuming, work on Monday again.

Fucking this week. I am DONE.

Hngh.

So, here’s a list of stuff I still need to have packed and ready to go by Sunday:

• Sheets
• Pillow cases
• Towels
• Wash cloths
• Mattress Pad
• Egg Crate Pad
• Comforter 
• Pillows
• Blue Blanket
• Purple Fleece Blanket
• Clothes!
• Hangers
• Coffee Pot
• Bowls
• Mugs
• Paper Plates
• Paper Bowls
• Plasticware
• Silverware
• Dish Soap
• Paper Towel
• Dish Towel
• Water Bottle
• Food
• Drinks
• Coffee Filters
• Scoops
• Coffee
• Shampoo
• Conditioner
• Q-tips
• Concerta
• B-Control
• Ritilan
• Cold Meds
• Ibuprofen
• Heart Burn Meds
• Makeup
• Makeup Remover 
• Hair brush
• Hair Dryer
• Flat Iron
• Tooth Paste
• Tooth Brush
• Tampons
• Pads
• Deodorant
• Cotton Balls
• Nail Polish Remover
• 1^st Aid Kit
• Soaps
• Face Wash
• Makeup Mirror
• Razors
• Shaving Cream
• Contacts
• Glasses
• Cleaners
• Case
• Neosporin
• Fan
• White board
• 3m Hooks
• Poster Hangers
• Extension Cords
• Power strips
• Laptop
• Flashlight
• Umbrella
• Raincoat
• Backpack
• Books
• Laundry Basket
• Laundry Soap
• Fabric Softeners
• Flash Drive
• Printer?
• Fridge? 
• Microwave?
• Alarm clock
• Ipod Dock
• Printing Paper
• Notebooks
• 3 Hole Punch
• Scissors
• Stapler
• Highlighters
• Post-its
• Color Pencils
• Markers
• Binders
• Bike?
• Bike lock?
• Bassoon
• Reed supplies
• Art  supplies
• Desk lamp
• AA Batteries
• Vacuum 

And then, here’s my work schedule for this week:

• Monday: 2pm-10pm
• Tuesday: 2:30pm-7:00pm
• Wednesday: 2:45pm-7:30pm
• Thursday: OFF
• Friday: 1:30pm-6:30pm
• Saturday: 2pm-10pm
• Sunday: OFF
• Also working today and tomorrow, both 2pm-10pm

I have no idea how I’m going to pack everything and manage to breathe. I’m lucky that Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday are short shifts, but I know I’m not going to want to do much after them. So I’ll have to make sure I get up at reasonable times throughout the week to pack everything up slowly (aka, not sleeping till 11, getting up the first time my body wakes me up, around 8 or 9, and staying awake).

Ultimately, it’s not too much, I guess. I know everything I need to pack, I know where it is, its just a matter of taking the time to actually pack it all up. 

A bunch of things, like my toiletries, toothbrush, toothpaste, hair stuff, then clothes and things I use every day won’t be able to get packed until Saturday night/Sunday morning, unless I decide I want to get a second set of most of this to just keep at school? Two toothbrushes, toothpastes, shampoos, hair brushes, stuff like that, one to keep at home, one to keep at school (its what I did last year and it was nice, because I’m the person that always forgets her toothbrush).

I just have to make sure I get everything I really need up there the first day, so I don’t have to come back and forth during the first week, because I know it’s going to be INSANE with classes, and working, and trying to get situated in general again.

I’m sure there’s a bunch of other things that need to go on that list that I’m forgetting. 

Oh, not to mention the fact that once I get up there and all set, I plan to go to meijer over there to grab some staple food to keep me through most of my days, and try to do cafeteria or transfer meals most of the time. But I’m getting positive I’ll want to have some veggies in there, in small containers pre-cut, so they save space, and so I’ll eat them, as well as some lunchmeat and cheese to make sandwiches to take for work, instead of just relying off my free baked good (aka, a bagel with butter, because I have to pay for cream cheese), or spending money on TH food with my discount. Need to save up my money, and watch what I eat once I start school. I’m going to be using the myfitnesspal again once I get there, because I believe I’ll have an easier time targeting everything, and exercising. 

Whew. I’m really not up to packing before I go to work this morning, but that’s because I didn’t sleep too well. All I remember last night was shoving three sleep aids down my throat (probably unwise), and then being extremely fussy in my bed. My head and mind were so exhausted, but every physical nerve in my body was tingling and I couldn’t stay still. I tossed and turned and cried and huffed and puffed, and shoved a handful (I didn’t really count, I think somewhere around four or five…) of ibuprofen in my mouth, tossed and turned more, and eventually just disconnected completely. I think my body and mind are trying to recover from that, with the concerta in its system. I also really need to remember to take my meds. Every. Day.

What a Shitty Night.

Work was terrible. My male co-workers took forever to unload the truck, I was forced into my break early, my other female co-worker kept fucking disappearing the whole first half of the shift, and messing around and not really working at all, and then as the night went on, she made sure to be in the back as much as she possibly could, leaving me as the only person in charge of counter and drive thru, as she did all the shit she 1, should have done earlier, and 2, should be training me on more. She also thought it was priority to start filling a special order for the next day, when that's night shift's job, since their customer intake is slower. We had a bunch of shit left on our list by the shift change because she fucked off, and it pissed off the night guy, who told us to finish whatever task we were doing and "get the hell out". 

I came home hot, sweaty, exhausted, and having only eaten a small cup of chicken noodle soup, and a bag of sliced apples all day, basically living off of the iced coffee with espresso I had on the way to work.

And then, I came to a dead betta fish. I'm such a shitty fucking pet owner, I don't understand how the fuck I think I'm going to be a decent mother at all one day. My fish always die, my guinea pig is always getting sick... I just feel useless and stupid and that I have no potential or purpose in the goals I have in mind, and its a really shitty way to feel.

To top it all off, it seems my plans (the ones I've been looking forward to all week, and what got me through tonight) of going to Secretary of State tomorrow morning, and hanging out all day with Jake and going to Outback for a nice dinner, are cancelled.

I'm really pissed off and annoyed and want to eat all the left over pizza we have, cry, and sleep.

Fuck it.

I've learned more about cars in the last 2-3 months than I have my whole life.

So here’s what’s wrong with my car: 

Apparently, they couldn’t get the car to not start, and therefore couldn’t 100% diagnose the problem. They tried throughout the day and ran tests and read codes, but still cannot be certain. They think its something with the security sensor, which is apparently very common in GMs, and especially, Impalas (go figure). Basically, its malfunctioning, and instead of identifying my key as the right key (which, it is), its freaking out and locking the security systems, because it thinks I’m trying to steal the car.

I mean, I can’t complain. That is a handy dandy useful ass system for someone that doesn’t really have any type of car alarm or better security system in the car (aka, me). But it shouldn’t malfunction.

Since neither my father or I were paying too much attention when it wouldn’t start the other day (I think we were both just pretty pissed off about it) we weren’t sure if the security light on the dash went on and stayed on or not. If it had, this definitely would have been the problem. The guy told us if the car won’t start, the light comes on, stays on, and flashes, then yes. That’s the problem. 

Apparently there’s a way around this issue, to reset and re-code things, ish. Basically, you turn the key in and if it doesn’t start, the security light will flash. If you keep the battery on and let the light flash for 10-15 minutes, it will then stop flashing and become solidly on. This means it has reset and the security feature has stopped. Simply turn the key the rest to start up the engine as you would normally. And viola. Your car should start (if that’s the actual problem). Obviously though, that is some annoyance on the battery, and isn’t a permanent fix, and is especially annoying if you have somewhere to be…

The guy was REALLY nice about my car, having been going back to it and looking at it all day. Regardless of the “mandatory $40 inspection fee” sign behind the desk, he didn’t charge us for bringing the car in. He explained he’s pretty positive that this diagnosis is accurate, but understands that we don’t want to spend money getting it fixed until we see that security light and know for sure, this is the problem. He probably also didn’t charge us because he is so certain that’s the problem, and therefore, is pretty certain we’ll be back in a few days/weeks to get it fixed anyway. He gave us all the info about the parts, and how much it would ultimately cost to repair it. Somewhere just above $400. Guh.

What is money and why does mine keep disappearing?

General Life Updates

The family is back home. I can’t say I’m really annoyed or happy they’re back. I haven’t really been social with them since they’ve returned. A few hours after they got back, I went out with Jake to pick up his new car, and stayed at his house till around 11. And then today, I woke up, went to lunch, came back to get ready, and left for work. My dad stayed yesterday and last night, and today, got on a plane to go to Colorado for more work training for a week, so I won’t see him for a while, either. Although, at this point, I definitely didn’t miss my mother’s blaring tv.

Jake got his new car yesterday. Well, its not new. It’s an older Lincoln Mark VIII (look at me, trying to prove I know shit about any type of car ever), black, with chrome and a pinstripe and all that jazz. He’s pretty thrilled about it. I think it cost him somewhere around $6,000 for it. He mentioned something about taking the money he had left from selling his Mustang to possibly get me something pretty and shiny, that will signify our current and future commitment. Ahem. But we shall see. His new car needs a bunch of stuff, including new tires, and possibly something with the battery, since it was giving him trouble this morning. 

Work was okay, today. It wasn’t too great, it wasn’t too awful. I definitely enjoy it there more in the evening, when the Assistant Manager is gone, and its just me and Fadi. Or me and Amelia is okay, too, but Sunday nights with Fadi are never boring. Early in the shift, there was a big mix up with a very unhappy customer. We heard “Tuscan Chicken Sandwich”, which we figured meant “Tuscan Chicken Panini”, but he had apparently said “TOASTED Chicken Sandwich”. So, that was a problem, because he waited the 2 minutes it takes for the panini to cook, and got the wrong thing. And apparently when the correct sandwich was remade, it was on white instead of wheat, so he came in the store all pissed off, and demanded to speak to a manager. The assistant manager pretty much gave us a repetitive lecture about how when we mess up and lose product, we will end up suffering for it, because we’re losing money, and losing money means losing jobs, and if we value our job, or her job, and everything, we’ll get stuff right, and even if we do make mistakes, we have to do our best to make it right for the customer and make them happy. Apparently I also have negative customer service qualities, that I didn’t even notice. I’ll have to be more conscious about that, I guess.

The owner/manager also talked to me about the missed day from Thursday. She’s being super amazingly nice and generous to me, and I cannot thank her enough. Because I’m still within my 90 days of hire, after that “no call/no show” (even though I don’t think it should be considered a no show, because I had every intention of rushing out the door, but was flat out TOLD to stay home…) I should have been immediately terminated. But she said she doesn’t want to do that to me, and that I’ll just be on a 40 day probation. Basically, if I’m late at all again in the next 40 days, I can be terminated or suspended. Neither of which are all that great, honestly.

I also finally got a copy of the handbook, which I asked for like the second week. If I had that handbook on Wednesday night when I hadn’t felt good, and had read the section over that said “If you feel ill within 12 hours of your next shift, please call in to get a cover for your shift”, I definitely would have done that instead of sleeping in past because I thought I had to go in, or call in later. That also frustrates me, that I’ve been penalized, even though I requested again and again for the materials that could have prevented the problem. But, as is life, I suppose.

The night was fun though. Waves of people, and not much to do outside of taking orders and doing routine temps, dishes, and cleaning, so it was nice. There was a little scare though, when there was a rush of people with just Fadi and I, (for some reason, we told Tyler he could go early, and ten minutes later, it flooded!) and the ice capp machine broke down, and we couldn’t figure out how to fix it. It was very frustrating. We had to call Maureen and get her help. But we figured it out. I got sprayed from across the kitchen with sanitizer (to which Fadi looked at me and said “… I… have no explanation for that. Sorry.”), and apparently highly impressed Fadi by knowing that the song playing on his phone was a remix of Legend of Zelda music. Apparently while working and in uniform, I don’t seem like a total nerd? Strange!

Oh yeah, and my car wouldn’t start when I had to go to work today, so I took the Malibu. I felt bad though, because that meant my mother had to drive my father to the airport with the van, which is not reliable at all.

But tomorrow, the plan is to call the shop and get my car in as soon as possible (they open at 8, so that’s when we’re calling and hoping to get it there, if it starts, or call a tow), and then, hopefully, going with Jake to the Secretary of State to get our enhanced IDs, register to vote, and if he gets what he needs by then, transfer the license plate from his Mustang to his new car. Sometime in between or before or after, I need to run to the post office and send out the “gentlepus” painting for Melissa. :) Mom has an appointment in the afternoon, and Jake has to work, so I’m not quite sure what will happen tomorrow afternoon and evening, since I don’t have to work, but I’m sure it will involve me being lazy and on the internet.

I suppose I should go to sleep now, since I want to be up early, and am just flat out exhausted, and am starving, but don’t feel like making food… but I’m currently addicted to the stupid House M.D. game on facebook. I promised myself I’d not get caught up in another stupid facebook game! Argh!

What?

What even is this anymore?

My original three hour shift turned into about a six hour shift. I’m not complaining about it, but I am most certainly exhausted.

Turns out, I MAY be able to keep this job. Apparently, my manager, Marco, thinks that unless I work more than 25 hours a week, its not even offered to me. He’s going to get in touch with someone who would know for sure, and have her get back to me as soon as possible. Also, doing the same thing with my second pair of pants, shoes, and my belt, that I still haven’t received. I need those shoes. Now. My marching band shoes are killing me. And I keep slipping. :x

I got my first checks today. Pitiful amounts of money for the few hours I worked. Curse you, taxes. Taxes really suck. I wish I could get an under-the-table job or something.

Marco was really sweet to me today when I was expressing the insurance problems. He said, and I quote “I’d really hate to lose a really great worker, especially after the training. You’re really good, and you’ve learned really fast and I’d love to get you to be able to do even more.” It made me feel more confident in working there, and even being able to find a different job if it doesn’t end up working out. I really do enjoy working there. The staff is all really great and so many customers have already told me this is the best McDonald’s they’ve ever been to. But for these longer shifts, I definitely want to be sure to bring my own meal or snack. I cannot keep eating McD’s. I get halfway through and feel like I’m going to vomit. That could just be my finicky stomach, though.

When working at McDonald’s… it’s definitely one of those places that even long after you get off your shift, you’re still hearing beeping fryers in your head.

I’ve been put on the schedule for another day this week and for next week.

Mon. 6/4: 4pm-7pm
Wed. 6/6: 7am-1:30pm
Thurs. 6/7: 11:30am-5pm
Fri. 6/8: 7am-9:30am
Mon. 6/11: 11:45am-4pm
Tues. 6/12: 11:30am-3pm

Tomorrow

I'm dreading it. 

I so much wish I could go in there, and just quit, and not have to work a four hour shift.

Actually, I so wish I could just go in there, work my four hour shift, and return the next day for another shift, and another and another and another and earn money.

But this is reality. 

No, I have to go work my pitiful four hour lunch rush shift of 11am-2pm, change out of my uniform, take a deep breath, ask to speak in private to a manager, and express that I need to quit. I need to express my problems with the benefits, as well as the idea that I have been hired nearly a month and I have worked what will be a total of 13 hours. I need to request the other paycheck that I never got notice about, and the one due this next week that will have tomorrow's four hours on it (Wednesdays are the weekly payday). I need to explain that I would be happy to continue working and count this as my "two weeks notice" while they attempt to find new hires, but if I am not needed, it would be easier if I do not come all the way out there.

I am absolutely terrified.

I'm 100% positive that tonight I will have nonstop dreams about all the ways the talk with the manager will go. Dreams about me freaking out and stumbling on all my words until I fall into hysterics. Dreams about the manager scolding me for being a waste of their time. Dreams about how after these things happen and I apply for new jobs, they tell employers how I'm socially inept and can't handle talking to the staff.

I just wish everything could have worked out differently. I wish this wasn't taking such a toll on me. 

I just wish everything would go away and just go the way they need to.

Although I have to be up at 5am tomorrow, my mind thinks now is a perfect time to bring this back and let everything that I can out.

I'm willing to bet that in about five minutes, my train of thought will be shot, and I'll be falling asleep at my laptop...

Everything feels awful right now. I'm sure it only feels a thousand times more awful than it already is, though, and I feel selfish in that respect.

I finally had managed to get a job. Yeah, it was a shitty job at McDonald's. I was that desperate.
Who would have thought McD's would offer health insurance benefits to its employees?
Not my family.

According to my father's health care and insurance plan, if I am on his plan, and I am 19, and I get a job that so much as offers me benefits at all, I am obliged to take them. This just ruined everything.

The health benefits through McD's are, yes for those who have nothing, a godsend. But for me, they are horrible. They cover all fields, but there is a $1,000 yearly cap. Which means, that's the amount a year the insurance will pay for on prescriptions, office visits, bills, or anything. Which, for me, is not enough.
I see a specialist every two months for my ADD, and his office visits alone cost over $200 each. There goes all my insurance money. That doesn't even cover my physician, or gynecologist. Also, I take (consistently) three different types of medication. Medications that I need to function properly. Two of them, by order of my doctor, CANNOT BE GENERIC. The McD's insurance only covers generic prescriptions. Thankfully, the vision and dental portion of my father's plan didn't mind if I stayed with them instead. But this still does not work.

After 30 days of employment, I have to terminate the insurance I'm on with my father, and sign up within 40 days of that for the McD's insurance.

We did the math. If I managed to work 25 hours a week, I'd be able to pay for the insurance benefits. However, after taking out taxes and the money for the insurance, I'd be left with as little as $25 a week, if anything at all. Since I currently live in Warren and work in Troy, the job therefore wouldn't even be paying for the gas to get to work.

Even so, as it seems now, I would never get those 25 hours a week. I have been officially hired since May 9th, 2012. So far, I have worked a grand total of about nine hours. I am not yet even on a consistent schedule. I had to actually call today to see if I was written down for any day this week. And the ONLY day I'm scheduled is on Thursday, 11am-2pm. That is absolute bullshit.

All in all, it's a bad and shitty situation, and I'm going to have to quit anyway.

But I cannot find a job at any place that DOESN'T offer health benefits, and its becoming extremely stressful to try and find a place that doesn't offer them, that I can tolerate, that is between here and school, that isn't too far, that isn't too close, that I'm happy with. At this point, I'm being less than picky. I'm basically whoring myself out to every business I see.

This is all taking a toll on me.

I look at all this and just wish I didn't have to be in school, that I could just have a 9-5 job as a secretary somewhere, get decent benefits, get a decent paycheck or salary, and just live life.

And then I get worse. I think, goodness... is any of this really worth it at all? I feel hopeless. I feel that I will NEVER be able to be on my own because of all my problems. I feel empty and numb and I don't know what to do anymore.

My depression and anxiety is getting really bad, and I don't know how to handle it...

And I've reached that point where my mind is swimming so fast that its blank and I need to sleep.

I need to start using this more.
Good luck with that...

What even is this anymore. Pft.

General Update?

I have a few minutes before I have to leave to haul myself to Varner again for the late Wind Symphony dress rehearsal. I'm dreading it. Since it's decided to snow on and off today, and it's really cold outside. 


I guess I'm not sure what to talk about.
Uhm. 
It's crunch time. My final exams are next week. I only have the one real exam, then an optional exam. But I also have essays due and presentations and hearings and piano exams and juries and all that nonsense.
Let's hope it all happens.


I'd really like for the jury sign up sheets to go up so I know what day and time block my jury will be. I need to schedule other things around it, and I can't yet, which is frustrating. It's also frustrating that move out day is apparently the 25th, instead of the 30th. Which REALLY pisses me off. Mostly because I don't know when my jury is and all that. No clue how I'm going to fanagle moving out during all my exams, but we'll see what happens, I guess. Urgh.


We finished our Ireland presentation. We present on Thursday.
This is it.


Okay, uhm, what else.


Oh, I may have a partial summer job this year. Oakland is doing some sort of band camp for a week in June (naturally over my birthday, but oh well) and they need "camp counselors". Basically people to help work and stay overnight in the dorms with the campers. The guy in charge said he's expecting the pay to be NO LESS than $300 for that week.
That's pretty nice.
Hopefully I'll be able to do it.


Talked to Disability Support Services today. 

You can’t imagine how happy this folder of information makes me.

It means that I’ll receive a few accommodations in my schooling. Mostly it means I get extra time on tests, and am allowed to put my earbuds and ipod in during said tests. 

I never WANTED this special treatment until recently, when I realized I may actually really need it.

Speaking of needing things that help me. I think I need that extra pill.

But anyways. The meeting today went really well. She needs to fax a paper to my doctor to get him to be more specific about a few things, but she said that I had provided her with enough general idea about it to where they could begin setting things up.

Obviously, this doesn’t go into effect until Fall 2012. So we have time to get everything set up.

Well, I guess that's all I have time to say right now.

I need to get ready to go to my rehearsal. Nygh.

Okay, bye.

Salt and Vinegar Chips and Gatorade

Plus some baby carrots.
It's become my staple food this past week. I'm not complaining.

Current countdowns:

• 16 days until our anniversary, 2 years.
• 18 days until my last official final exam
• 27 days until the anniversary of Brandon's death, 2 years
• 28 days until I have to be officially moved out of the dorm
• ??? days until jury

I'm already exhausted. I have to write up the essay exam for history that's due Thursday, that I haven't started, slam out the Ireland presentation, and the Ireland essay, finish revising essays for my writing class, practice for the piano exam, and study my ass off for the theory exam. 

All while staying healthy, alive, and maintaining some sort of social life, as well as a stable mental level.

I'm wishing myself all the luck in the world. 

My dad, Jake and I went to go check out a car that was for sale today. It seemed perfect. It worked great, looked nice, was comfortable, a decent price... except it was resalvaged, and our credit union won't give us an autoloan on resalvaged vehicles.

That went out the window.

In retrospect, as much as I had hoped that would be it and I'd finally have a car, I'm glad it didn't work out. If it had, it would have just been way too easy. 

Oh well. We keep searching.

Shopping for jeans at the salvation army has to be one of the most difficult tasks ever. Not only are all brands of jeans made differently to fit, but the Salvation army just has a bunch of random jeans everywhere. I wish they had at least SOME sense to how they lay them out, at least by size or style. But no, just "women's jeans", and done. 

I didn't spend much time looking because I originally needed to come back to school asap to do some work, so I only found one pair that fit and I liked. Oh, well.

Seems like my whole life is "oh, well" at the moment.

But I shouldn't say that. I'm only saying that because I'm exhausted and don't feel well and am being negative tonight. 

Oh well.

I don't want to go to classes tomorrow. I have to figure out the rest of our freaking composition thing for World Cultures. It was great, and all planned at first. I was playing flute, Cory was playing a bell and a shaker, and Ashley was going to play piano. Perfect. All we had to do with what we had gotten together was figure out little improv solos.

But no. Ashley wants to now play the African flute that we found. Which sounds like crap. And is in a different key than we had originally started in.

They had the nerve to ask me to play the contrabassoon as a droning bass.

Again.

She has to be the center of attention. I'm pissed, and I don't want to deal with it, and I want to be a nice person and go with the flow, but it really upsets me.

I also just don't want to go to theory. But then again, when the hell do I ever.

I want to start next semester already. Even if I do have 8am classes every day except Thursday. They're classes I want to go to.

I'm also really annoyed with our neighbors in the dorm. At least, I think it's our neighbor. Or her friends/boyfriend at least. Recently there have been a bunch of guys on our all-girls floor. Last month, there were a bunch of snotty comments on our interactive bulletin board, as well as written on our neighbor's door decs. About a week or two ago, there was a penis drawn in dry erase marker across her whole door. It's since been erased (it only took about a week and a half), but since it disappeared, there has still been shit going on, including scribbling of cuss words on almost every newsflyer hanging in our hallways, another beautifully drawn penis on the inside of the elevator doors, and even one night, vandalism on our own door decorations at 11:30pm. We had a sign on our door that said "BASSOON PARTY" from a long time ago. The jerks thought it would be mature to scribble out letters so that it read "ASS PARTY". As Danae and I laid in our beds waiting to fall asleep, we heard a group of guys talking loudly out in the hall way (they seemed to be two doors down at the most, or at the elevator), and then scraping noises on our door. I get up five minutes after it's silent, and lo and behold, there's the ruined sign. 

It's really annoying because this is our fucking home. People should not be so disrespectful.

But at the same time, we don't want to say much of anything because the year is almost out, and we don't want to start drama.

I am considering privately saying something to Shannon about it if it keeps up, though. 

Also, something's just immature and inappropriate about posting "naked cuddle night tonight at 8:45 ;) " on our floor facebook group. 

This is another reason we think it's our neighbor.

This was put up on my tumblr this morning, and I think it should be here as well.

As I spread Kroger Brand Cream Cheese onto my bagel this morning, I came to a realization.

A realization of why I seldom buy brand name products anymore.

Even though my parents want to support me in a lifestyle that doesn’t change in college, and let me have the expensive items we’ve used at home, and tell me to use their money for the necessities… 

I don’t.

I buy Kroger or Meijer brand groceries. CVS brand toiletries. Food, bags, plasticware, soap, shampoo, razors…

Nothing’s the same as what I’m used to. Instead of Philadelphia cream cheese, I spread Kroger Soft Cream Cheese over my plain bagel from the cafeteria. Instead of organic fresh strawberries, I’m eating some pre-sliced and packaged strawberries from Meijer. At CVS last week, instead of buying the expensive gel blade Venus razors, I bought a pack of disposable Bic razors, and CVS shaving gel. I buy Vo5 Shampoo from Meijer, which is a total of 89 cents. My new favourite hand sanitizer was from Kroger, and I can’t stop using it.

The few things I have in my dorm room right now that are brand name, were more than likely bought by my mother, or bought a while ago under brand name because of a sale, or a long shelf life. For example, I have a giant bar of Jif peanut butter, and specifically Lays Salt and Vinegar Chips. 

But it’s not much. 

So, if my parents offer the luxuries I’m used to… why am I sacrificing? I have few bills to pay, I’m not spending my own money, why should it matter?

Because of you.

I want to get used to the cheap stuff. We want our own place, and even with both of us having jobs, we know that will take up the bulk of our money. Cheap items will be a must. And I’m adjusting now so that when we go on our first shopping trip, to supply OUR pantry, OUR fridge, OUR bathroom, OUR home, I’m ready and used to getting whatever’s on sale, whatever is the least costly. 

I mean, hell. I already can’t wait to go pick out our dinnerware at the Salvation Army. No joke.

I miss you. I love you.

The summer needs to start.

Hello, sleepaids.

Goodnight, world.

Shitty Update

Lots to do:

• The rest of Theory homework
• MacGamut, four levels
• Do my MWC essay exam questions
• Write my Ireland research essay
• Finish the prezi for the Ireland presentation
• Study for a piano exam
• study for a theory exam
• practice for juries
• finish revising essays
• write my portfolio essay
• take exams
• not die?

Hoping to get most of this accomplished Monday/Tuesday.

Ugh.

17 days till my anniversary.

2 years, baby. <3

Night.

Aieee.

Started my new meds today.
Haven't noticed much different other than having a harder time swallowing the larger pill, and the need to really eat immediately after taking it. I haven't used the fast-acting stuff yet, mostly because I haven't felt the need to, and I want to see how long this other medication will last before putting more into my system.
Scheduled my classes today.

Fall Semester 2012
Monday:
8am-9:07am History of Film Music
12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony
Tuesday:
8:30am-11:47am Studio Art 2-D
1pm-2:47pm Foundations of Contemporary Psychology
Wednesday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music
12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony
Thursday:
1pm-2:47pm Foundations of Contemporary Psychology
Friday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music
12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony


This is okay. I mean, it's alright that the Child Development class didn't work, because it would have been a hassle to work everything out anyways.
I was really annoyed when I checked Macomb Community College for this class...

This is, no joke, the exact class I wanted at Oakland, plus a whole lot more. Oakland didn't offer the 30 hours observation.

Hard to see, but this here says that for Spring/Summer 2012, the course is only available online. ONLINE.

Maybe I'm just weird for actually wanting to SHOW UP for a class... but I don't feel confident in my ability to remember to log on for information and assignments. I don't know. Something about being IN class to learn thrills me, especially if it is going to be a class I am HIGHLY interested in.

Oh, well...

Made a new facebook last night. Don't know why, for sure. I guess I just wanted a new clean space, and to really just get rid of "friends" without bluntly saying "I don't want to be friends with you".
I managed to persuade Jake to do the same thing. So he did.
And, well.
I just about died when I got a notification saying "Jakob has updated his relationship status to say that you two are in a relationship. He has listed your anniversary as April 18th, 2010."
Honestly. I wasn't expecting that to happen because of the switch. Eventually, yes, but not 10 minutes after creating new accounts. I think it made me most happy that... I didn't have to ask. I didn't have to initiate it. He did it. :)

After almost two years, we're finally "Facebook Official".

I've got an hour or so to kill until he comes up here to see me. I'm not sure what I want to do. I feel kind of tired and just wind blown. I may clean up and re do my hair, and maybe look at some homework and projects.
Who knows.
Is the week over yet?

Scheduling and Registering for classes SUCKS

I register for Fall 2012 (and, I am able to also register for Winter 2013, and Summer 2012, if I want to do that at all…) tomorrow at 6am, and all day. 

I had the classes I wanted to take all planned out and I was ready and all set to go.

Until I looked deeper into the classes.

As it would turn out, one of the classes I wanted to take the most, Early Child Development birth to age 8… conflicts with the ensemble class that I am required to take for my minor and to keep my music scholarship. 

The class meets on Mondays, at 1pm-4:20pm. 

Wind Symphony meets on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 12pm-1:30pm.

Obviously, this is a problem.

The class isn’t offered during the Summer or Winter semesters either. :/ 

I'm meeting with my band director tomorrow to figure out if we could make this work, and if not, I made a back up schedule.

IDEAL:

Monday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

1pm-4:20pm Early Child Development Birth to Age 8

Tuesday: 

10am-11:47am Foundations of Contemporary Psychology

Wednesday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

Thursday: 

10am-11:47am Foundations of Contemporary Psychology

Friday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

Not so ideal schedule, but would still be okay:

Monday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

Tuesday: 

8:30am-11:47pm Studio Art 2-D

1pm-2:47pm Foundations of Contemporary Psychology

Wednesday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

Thursday: 

1pm-2:47pm Foundations of Contemporary Psychology

Friday:

8am-9:07am History of Film Music

12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony

It was frustrating, because the Child Development class is the one that I really wanted to take. But it's only offered at that time, in the fall semester. I would have taken it over the summer, but its not available. The Music history class is also only offered in the fall semester. 

This is kind of annoying. :(

In other news. 

Went to the Neurologist today, and got my medication fixed up. Up to a higher dosage on my regular medicine, and then got a "booster" medicine for the afternoon and evening and such, on a "when I need it" basis. Hopefully this all works out, and hopefully there's no conflict with them. When my brother switched medicines or upped the dose, he started getting tics and things.

I'm glad that the medicine has been upped, normally people aren't. But this is the first time since I started taking the medicine in 2006 that I've had it altered. So, about six years. Because it's been so long, I had to schedule a few tests to be done later. I need an EEG and a Tavo test. The EEG is when they stick a bunch of probes and sticky nonsense to my head, I chill out for an hour, and they monitor me to make sure I'm not having subtle brain seizures or anything out of the ordinary. The Tavo is the one that sucks (even though having sticky crap in my hair sucks). I sit there for about a half an hour and watch a screen. Each time a star or bubble or something comes on the screen, I press a button. I guess it tests my reaction time, as well as my levels of patience and focus. Obviously, a tricky spot for someone with ADD. 

But I'm glad it's being upped, because I'm realizing in college that I seriously need it. I need the assistance focusing on everything. I'm glad it was raised now, so that I have it to really focus and help with exam studying. 

Everything is still pretty stressful, and I assume it will be until the semester is over, with my theory exam, piano exam, projects, essays... 

I have a huge number of projects and essays for my World Cultures class. 

• A group project on Ireland (45 minutes min)
• A research essay on Ireland (5-8 pages)
• Group composition project relating to West African music 
• Take home essay test 

Then of course the dreaded Music Theory II exam, an optional Aural Skills II exam (which I may as well take advantage of), another Contextual Listening project for Aural skills, the revision of three essays and a portfolio reflection essay for writing, and a piano exam. Oh, not to mention Juries. Fuuuuuck, juries.

Whelp.

See you later internet.

Gonna go die.

It's a Monday.

Yup. It's a Monday. One hell of a Monday at that.

There was no piano today, so I woke up, showered, had left over pizza, and now I'm sitting here. Not leaving for class until 11:30. 

It's apparently 36 degrees outside today. That's not cool.

"I think spring is pissed at summer for cutting in line." -Andy 

Truth in that status update of his. NOT looking forward to the walk to Varner. Eek.

I still have a bit of homework to do. Most of it being MacGamut, which I plan to do now/after writing at varner with a piano, because I'm a dirty cheater and there's now way I can get those tricky things done without the assistance of a piano and a recording device. I hate doing the theory and aural homeworks. It's all always so much harder than the actual exams, which, typically lowers my grade, then. Urgh. :(

I still have...

• MacGamut Rhythm
• MacGamut Melody
• MacGamut Harmony
• Theory pg. 143 B #4, 5
• Theory pg. 143 C #1-3
• Theory pg. 144 E #1
• Theory pg. 145 #1
• Type up Ireland Outline

I finished writing out the outline last night, it just needs to be typed and printed. Which... I have to go to Hamlin to print anything because we ran out of ink in Danae's printer, and I couldn't pick it up yesterday because she didn't know what kind it took. :I Urgh

But yeah. So. Mondays. Not cool with them.

The week just needs to be over already.

And it's just started. ><

What a lovely day.

It was so gorgeous out today. <3


Yesterday was a bit of a nightmare. I didn't get much of anything I had planned to do accomplished. MacGamut did nothing but stress me out way too much, I made, I suppose, some decent headway on my Theory workbook homework, and a tiny bit on the Ireland outline... but nothing else. It was all just very stressful, and on top of it, when I finally said fuck it, and turned in for the night, I wasn't able to fall asleep until about 2am. Of course, I woke back up at 6am as well. It was really upsetting. I suppose it didn't help that I had downed a bottle of Mountain Dew at around 9pm.
I think I just missed you last night. Like I will will miss you tonight, as well. 

• I’m going to miss the leg tangles
• I’m going to miss the spontaneous arm around my waist
• I’m going to miss the “oh, I’ve woken up to roll over, so I’m going to give you little half asleep kisses”
• I’m going to miss pressing my cheek against the cool skin of your back
• I’m going to miss entwining my fingers in yours as much as I can
• I’m going to miss hearing you snore
• I’m going to miss looking into your eyes before I close mine
• I’m going to miss waking up to your smile

Those are the things I just miss every night and day, though. So, nothing new, I suppose.

Today was nice. I showered, cleaned up the dorm pretty nicely (well, my side at least...), and went to Kerby's for some lunch. Grilled cheese and french fries. <3 I also filled out a job application for Kerby's as they had put a "Now Hiring" sign on the door. I always hate filling out the job apps and having to write a bunch of n/a s and leaving things blank because I have no prior work experience... Then I always feel that they won't hire me because I don't have that experience... Urgh. Anyways, afterwards, we went to CVS, where I got...

• CVS Disinfectant wipes
• Makeup remover cloths
• Cotton balls
• Cheap razors
• Berry scented shaving cream

And then to Kroger for...

• Iced Coffee
• Wheat Bread
• Turkey slices
• Vitamin Water XXX
• Red Gatorade
• Strawberries
• Baby carrots
• Healthy Choice Chicken Noodle Soup
• Cream Cheese
• Spreadable butter
• Tortilla chips
• Salsa
• Salt and Vinegar Lays Chips
• Wheat Pita bread
• Plasticware
• Hand Sanitizer

And then, back to the dorm, where we laid about. Then, we decided it would be a great idea to walk a mile ish over to a shopping center and get Coldstone and Little Ceasars. And then walked a mile back. It was really nice and my feet are sore and I'm so tired!

I did not want my baby to leave me tonight. I miss him already. :( So much more I could say here, but I don't have the energy to. I'll save it all for another day, then. <3

I'm hoping to work a little bit more on a little bit of everything tonight and then sleep. No piano tomorrow morning, so maybe I'll finish it all then. I hope so.

Everything is easy, except the MacGamut. Urgh.

A rant, I don't even care if you see it.

I started this rant via twitter, and then I decided that 140 characters were just not enough to express it.
I put it on twitter so you wouldn't see it. But I just don't even care anymore. If you do see it, you're just going to go ahead and bitch about it on your private blogs and pull other bullshit.


I'm sure you made your blogs private (finally) in hopes that I would do the same, and then I wouldn't see you, and you wouldn't see me. But unfortunately for you, I have no desire to make my blogs private. I like them as they are, and I don't give a damn if you look at them.They have my life on them, not yours. And if seeing my life makes you jealous, gain SELF CONTROL and don't look at them. Me looking at your blogs never bothered me. But you've admitted that seeing ME and my blogs places bothers you. Gain self control, get over yourself, and quit creating fake scenarios in your head. I'm SURE there's a huge blog post up about how I attended RENT last night to maliciously attack you, and ruin your day. Ohh yes, I went to RENT just because it was your birthday, to personally victimize you and make you feel like shit. Or maybe, just maybe, I didn't even know it was your birthday until I was told later, after I had already planned to attend opening night. 
I went to see RENT last night, opening night, to SUPPORT my BOYFRIEND in the BAND, and my FRIEND in the CAST. I didn't fucking go to purposely piss you off or anything like that. I acted EXACTLY the same last night with you in the area, as I would have if you weren't in the area. I even made sure, before I was even aware you were there, to sit on the farthest possible corner away from the inner doors. If you didn't want to be near me, you could have been absolutely as far away from me as possible. I gave you an open opportunity, and gave you RESPECT that I'm sure you didn't even deserve. We didn't SEEK trouble, or any type of confrontation with you, but we did catch just about every glare you threw at us, for absolutely no reason. It was GREAT that you thought it would be cute to pound on the gas out of the parking lot as you knowingly passed our vehicle. Really cute. 
You pulled practically the same shit you did the same time last year at the other musical.
You talked about a restraining order, and the idea of that just AMUSED me so highly.
You will never get a restraining order against me, or us because we haven't done anything wrong. 
This is what we've done:

• Done what we could to ignore your initial bitchiness, insecurities and jealousy problems back in April of 2010.
• Viewed the twitter, tumblr, blogspot, and facebook that you made PUBLIC (all of these systems could have easily initially been made private from the get-go, via a simple settings change)
• Anonymously voiced opinions about things you posted on your PUBLIC social networking sites, on our own social networking sites. 
• Rolled our eyes at your stupidity every time you fought fire with fire and viewed OUR public pages, and talked about US on your own sites.
• Eased away from you, content, when you finally made the decision to take advantage of internet privacy settings.
• Innocently walked into your place of work multiple times solely because it is, was, and has been the nearest location of that business to my house, a business I am a patron of, and by pure coincidence. Not maliciously plotting to cause you pain.
• Attending events in which friends of friends are being celebrated, or something. examples: AAW Graduation, AAW presents RENT, etc.

Yup. That's all we've done. We have done nothing that has been remotely threatening to you, that would warrant a restraining order. 

Go live your life, let people do what people will do, and stop creating fake overdramatic scenarios in your head. 

Hope you had a happy birthday, and have a fine life.

Enjoy.