Friday, October 28, 2011

A Cleaning

Any bit of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I have has been brought out by college. 
I've spent the last two or three hours cleaning the dorm room. Not that it was all THAT messy, but just that I'm INTENSELY cleaning. I've completely cleared all clutter off my desk, and disinfected it, better arranged the shelves on the desk, cleaned off my whiteboard and rewrote stuff, tore dirty sheets off my bed and put on clean ones, (the dirty ones are downstairs in the wash, along with all my clothes that I've dirtied so far this week) I cleaned out my closet and organized things on the shelves, cleared up and disinfected the dresser that my coffee pot sits on, found better places for things, vacuumed the whole room, and disinfected the fan, tv, microwave and fridge (they were really dusty). 

The room is clean.







The room. Is fucking. CLEAN.
But now I feel all gross. :(


Clearly, I am exhausted. But the room is clean, and my thoughts on this were to clean the room, to create a stress free environment and get started on some homework. So I think that is what I shall do. 
<3

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Being Alone Means Bad Relapses



Second to the right, farthest to the right.
R.I.P. Brandon Matthew Craner
2/18/1992 - 4/29/2010

I miss you, Brandon.
I miss all of us.
You’re gone.
Jess is states away.
I’m at college.
Jack’s at home.
We’re all so apart, and I hate it. I wish you had never gone. Maybe then, everything would be different.
Why did you go?
No. Why did you LEAVE?
We were supposed to be the oldest cousins. We were supposed to be the ones our siblings could look up to, the ones that did everything right, the ones that were great people. Why couldn't we be that? Why did you have to leave us? What was so entirely bad that you had to take your own life, and leave us, all of us, struggling behind?
Whenever I'm here alone, and its quiet, I think about you. I think about how much I miss you, how much everyone misses you. How different all our lives would be if you hadn't left. How much pain we never would have felt. I cry. I remember the day you did it. I remember the funeral. I remember the burial. I remember the pain after. I remember the emptiness and numbness. I remember the year later. I remember stupid things we did as kids. 
Does this pain ever go away? Will you tell me? It went away when Papa passed, but that was different. That was cancer. That took him. You took yourself. What a god damn stupid choice. Why the fuck did drugs seem like a good idea to you that day? Why the fuck did drugs seem like a good idea to you any day?! I'm so angry...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I should...

  • Do my writing homework.
  • Fix my essay up a bit more for comp.
  • Start my history portfolio.
  • Study for the theory midterm that I have on Thursday.
  • Memorize my fucking circle of fifths. 
  • I should have had that memorized in sophomore year.
  • I'm a slacker.
  • And a bad music student.
  • Can I go be an art student? 
  • A visual art student? 
  • I definitely didn't do the stuff my Keyboard professor put up on moodle since we didn't have class yesterday. I'm going to die.
  • Is it Friday yet?
  • I have a special person spending the night on Friday.
  • It's going to be a spectacular weekend.
  • Well, except Saturday evening while said spectacular person is at work.
  • Which will be when I try to cram all my stuff for the portfolio project in.
  • I should also study for the Listening Exam for History on Thursday.
  • As well as the History midterm in general.
  • I think I already did my Keyboarding midterm.
  • I don't think we have a comp midterm.
  • Seriously, he is so unorganized.
  • Why am I still on tumblr.
  • Fuck my life.
  • But I love this.
  • I'm starving.
  • Orchestra performances just don't end, do they? 
  • No, of course not.
  • That's why I like playing in a band instead.
  • Lazy, yo.
  • Okay, bye.
  • Just kidding.
  • I don't know.
  • Okay.
  • Okay.
  • I should stop.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Urgh

He just woke up.
I'm already showered and just about ready to go.
I thought we were making this a "day trip"? Well, it's going to be afternoon/evening by time he's ready and we all get there.
How does this kid sleep so much and so heavily? Doesn't matter what time I go to sleep, I'm awake by 8 at the latest, out of bed by 9. He can sleep till noon.
I wake up, I start feeling gross and hungry. I want to shower, brush my teeth, and just eat everything.

I wish we could have gone to Frankenmuth last weekend. He could have stayed the night with me at the dorm, and we could have just left the next morning. But Danny got sick. And now I'm feeling sick. Urgh.

I just wanna go get a venti hazelnut coffee, and get the fuck out of here.
Let's go. Come on.

I've done it again, though. I forgot to bring back clothes to wear at home over the weekend. I brought my "hipster" shirt with the roses and lace, but its a tanktop style shirt, and I forgot my new jacket at school. :/
I am self conscious about my skin around anyone but Jake. I wouldn't care if he saw my back and shoulders, because by all means, he has so much before. But I don't want his mom or brother to. Especially not her mom. I do not want to be judged.
But suddenly this is okay, because apparently Danny doesn't want to go anymore, and his mom is also not sure if she wants to go.
But my mom would still look at me funny leaving in that. She still thinks I'm the same closed up girl as I was years ago. But I'm really not...
Black Butler t-shirt, here I come. :/

I wish I could fit into my older clothes. Because there are some that I adore. But I just don't look good in them anymore. :/

Edit: I didn't want to wear the tshirt. My smooth bra had been washed, and wasn't dry. The textured one I have on shows through the shirt I want to wear. So I'm sitting here drying my smooth bra with a hair dryer. I'm so ghetto college student.
I am still hungry, but I don't want to go make cereal or peanut butter toast, because my family is all in the kitchen and annoying me, and Jake's on his way. I guess I'll just have to have tons of coffee and maybe convince Jake to get me a cookie from Starbucks or something along those lines. Just something to nibble on, I guess.
Putting on makeup, drying this bra, putting it on (even though it seems like it will still be damp by time I have to go), and packing everything up.
Peace.

Oh, and Happy Birthday, John Lennon, and Congratulations, Paul McCartney on your marriage. 

Saturday, October 8, 2011

I didn't know I could love this much

He makes me so happy. Like I'm floating on air. All the time.
I just love being near him.
Last night, at the Joe Louis Arena, we could have been on opposite sides of the arena, with thousands of thousands of people between us, and I still would have been happy just knowing we were in the same building. :) <3


I can’t believe how much I love you. I always think I can’t love you more and then, somehow, I do…


“I wish I could get you a ring… right now. I’ll probably ask you to marry me a thousand times before we actually get married.”


Jesus, fucking, Christ, I love that boy. 
I wish he hadn't needed to go to work at 3, because I would so much rather spend the day and night here with him, snuggling in my basement watching old movies and stuffing our faces with coffee, tiramisu, and popcorn. <3


I should be doing homework, like MacGamut (MacDammit) or my History portfolio. But instead, I just took some Benedryl, am cuddled up in Jake's hoodie (my favourite, the fleece, gray and black checkers. <3), watching Law and Order SVU, and am probably going to pass out until about dinner time. But I'm okay with that. Perhaps I'll try to do one macgamut now. Maybe. We'll see.
I am going up to Frankenmuth tomorrow with Jake and his family. I am really excited. I haven't been up there in forever, and now I get to go with some great people. :)


I am suddenly so sleepy, and its only been about twenty minutes since I took the Benedryl. Oh well. Mm. <3 Happy, and could still be even happier. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

AHH FUCK.

  • I thought the portfolio assignment for history was due in December. It's due the week after next, at least the Baroque Era part. The Classical Era part is due in December. I have done absolutely nothing. 
  • Midterms are coming up, and I am pretty positive I'm going to fail my Theory midterm, unless Jake can take the test for me. Ohwellwhoops.
  • I do not like being sick. I just wanna take the night time sinus meds and go to sleeeeeep.
  • I am feverish.
  • But I'm in love.
  • I want to skip all my classes tomorrow and just go to the Wings game, and that's all, thankssss.
  • Writing a napkin book. lol
  • Moose! <3
I complain about all this stress and anxiety and not feeling well, and what do I do about it? Sit here on facebook, tumblr, update my blogger (which no one reads), and contemplate wanting to play runescape.
My life. What is it?
Ergh.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Things I Need To Do



  • Drink all that coffee that’s finishing being brewed.
  • Drink another pot of said coffee, perhaps.
  • Read my Writing book.
  • Answer Writing questions. 
  • Do late Theory homework.
  • Study stuff for Theory.
  • Study for the exam in History.
  • Take so many History notes from the book I neglected.
  • Maybe start the History Portfolio.
  • Eat.
  • Put Jake’s letter in the mail on my way to dinner. 
  • Shower.
  • Try to somehow relax.
  • Probably take quite a few sleep aids.
  • Be depressed.
Yeah, bring it on.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Day two of Classes!


Well, not really yet, because I haven’t gone to a “new” class.
Today was day 2 of my Music Theory class, 8am, bitches. :I Thankfully, it was only 8-9, since Fridays are JUST Theory, and no Aural. :D
Just to put it up there again…:
Monday: 
10am-11:07am Keyboard
12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony
2:40pm-3:47pm Writing Composition
4:20pm-5:20pm Bassoon Lessons

Tuesday: 
8am-9:47am Theory & Aural Skills I
10am-11:47am Western Music History

Wednesday:
10am-11:07am Keyboard
12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony
2:40pm-3:47pm Writing Composition

Thursday:
8am-9:47am Theory & Aural Skills I
10am-11:47am Western Music History

Friday:
8am-9am Theory I
12pm-1:30pm Wind Symphony
So, I still have Wind Symphony today, and I had Theory yesterday, so nothing too new today.
We aren’t even playing in WS today, apparently. Cunningham sent out an email yesterday saying no instruments, we’re just having some meeting. :I I shall be clinging to Danae the whole time, for sure! 
Haaa, my RA really wants people to visit her. :P So I’m going to try to after Wind Symphony till she leaves at 2:30.
....
Leaving for Wind Symphony shortly. :) "Gliding" my bike down to Varner. I can't even call it riding.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

OCD


OCD survey
1. When did your obsessive-compulsive tendencies begin?
The start of high school maybe? Perhaps in middle school, but I guess I didn't really notice them, because I wasn't really thinking about it.
2.What are your most prevalent obsessive thoughts?
Always stressing out about things I say, what I should say, how to say them, being organized, stacking things, perfection, constant worrying, worse-case scenario thoughts.
3. What are your rituals?
My family has pointed out that every hour, on the "35" minute, I crack my knuckles, unintentionally. I check on everything, making sure its okay. 
4. Do you take medication or receive therapy? What type? Has it helped you to cope with OCD?
No. 
5. Depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder often occur together. Are you depressed? 
Yes.
6. Does your OCD intensify under stressful situations?  
Yes. You should see me right now as I'm about to go to college tomorrow.
7. How do you feel about people casually using the term “obsessive-compulsive” to describe somebody who is meticulous? Does it offend you?
Not really.

 More OCD Symptoms (Bold yours)
  • Wanting things to be Symmetrical.
  • Ordering everything around them.
  • Wanting things to be “perfect”, exact.
  • Seeking that feeling of “Just Right”.
  • Preoccupation with aligning items such as papers, books in a certain “perfect” way.
  • Reluctancy to throw things away, independent of their value or usefulness.
  • Looking through the garbage to ensure nothing valuable was thrown away, some will go through others peoples garbage.
  • Collecting such useless items.
  • Urge to pick up items from the ground. 
  • (in order for karmic balance, and then you remember you don't touch things, ever.)
  • Discomfort when being around empty space and feeling the need to fill them.
  • Bodily waste and/or secretion, such as urine, feces, saliva and blood.
  • Scared of Dirt and Germs.
  • Having blasphemous thoughts or saying bad things.
  • The fear of being punished for these Thoughts.
  • Concern with religious beliefs.
  • Repeating and getting stuck on religious images and/or thoughts.
This results in excessive fear, worry and preoccupation with: 
Having an illness.

Having others react negatively to 1’s appearance. 
Fear of saying/thinking certain words because of the negative consequences that may result from doing so.

Not being able to use certain Colors, #’s or Letters because they are negative, some #’s will be unlucky or lucky.

Rigid adherence to excessive superstitious fears.

Everything can become “negative” or “positive” and will become very rigid and omnipresent in the person’s life. 
The urge to remember certain things such as slogans, license plate #’s, names, words or event of the past... This could also be explained as the “Fear” of forgetting.

The fear of saying something wrong or not “Just Right” and/or leaving details out.


This makes the person go to great extend to tell everything “Just” as it was.

Worrying about making mistakes.


Easily bothered by the feel of clothing, textures on the skin.
Small imperfections can drive the person crazy. Repeating of routine activities for no logic reason.

Repeating the same questions.

Rewording or rewriting words or phrases.

Monday, July 25, 2011

College books are expensive...

$1,055.15 is the subtotal for my college books at the college bookstore.
$1,055.15 is the “Used” price. Mind, the “used”, is followed by “if available”.
Only missing one item, but the amazon price comes out to $802.93. All NEW books.

...
CUE POOR COLLEGE STUDENT LIFESTYLE!
*stocks up on cheap meals*
*Salvation Army shops*
:'D

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I have not written here a while.

So, I'm feeling a little, wordy? And I should probably just go at it, and give updates? Or at least be deep and philosophical or something. I don't know.

This mural shit. I don't even want to talk about it. But its been a big thing that's gone on the last few days, so I guess it needs to be spoken of.
Back near the end of the school year, there was a mural competition. Winners got scholarships, and got to have their mural sketch painted at the school. Cool, right? I enter. I don't win. Whatever.
Teacher asked me to paint a small mural that another student had designed above the concession stands. The other student was going away on vacation, and would be unable to paint it. It was just two stars, some loopy-doops and a quote. Easy. Sure. Why not.
I came in a day after senior classes were already done. Got there about nine in the morning, figured stuff out, hauled stuff to the gym with Carmen, blasted music, and painted for a while. She had to leave, I painted on my own, blasting more music. Jake picked me up for a lunch break, and then he hung out a bit more with me, keeping me entertained as I finished the painting. About maybe five hours, minus the lunch break, that thing was done.
As we were leaving, she asked for another favour. She felt that the WINNER of the $400 scholarship sketch was... "incapable" of painting the mural, and the sketch needed to be more cleaned up and less cluttered.
Guess who she asked to re-sketch.
Guess who she asked to paint.
Guess who's not getting a penny for this bullshit.
So yeah, I'm doing more work than I need to, but I feel its not right to back down when it was something I said I'd do over a month ago. I re-sketched and re-designed, and it looks alright. I need to colour it a bit, and then email it to the teacher so she can send it to the Booster Club to see if they approve of the re-done sketch. If they don't approve, I will explode. I'm not even kidding. I'm not re-doing this shit. I worked on crap for about four days, had several anxiety attacks, and got very depressed because of this pressure and frustration. I'm not going through that again. Period.

Anyways.

I saw Harry Potter "7.2". Seen it twice now. Cried both times. Got frustrated with little things, like Harry's eyes still being blue, and young Lily's eyes being fucking brown. I mean, seriously, guys? You couldn't fix it right in the last movie? The one where its REALLY IMPORTANT?
Either way, I've decided to re-read the whole series. Completely. All the way through. No skimming over the boring parts. Legitimately reading. I've read 15 chapters of the Sorcerer's Stone, since last night, and will probably finish it up today. It's probably been read so quickly because the cable went out last evening, and just came back a few hours ago.
Its so much easier to read a series. A series you care about, than to just pick up a random book and get through it. It's more of a struggle to get a one-off story, read it, get sucked in, and finish it, in a timely fashion. There are too many distractions, not enough push to want to keep reading. But with something like the Harry Potter series, something from my childhood... you want to keep going. You know there's more. There's so much more. You go back and read these books, and you notice so many tiny little things that you never noticed before. You piece together the secret puzzle that was never the main focus. It's amazing.

A good segue would be now the idea for my first tattoo. It probably isn't creative, as I'm sure so many people have done it already, especially now that the last film has been released. As I read last night, I glanced up at a chapter title. Those stars, those little stars that hang in the corner of each chapter title... they are so tiny, but have so much meaning to someone who's life has seriously been affected by the series. I used to be a die hard fan, no doubt about that. But it wore off as I got older and experienced new things. But then it came back and hit me when the series "for real" ended with the release of the new film. It's ending. My childhood, is ending.
I want those little chapter stars on my body. Forever.
It's something so tiny, and so silly, but not so silly that I'll regret it in the future. It's something that will always mean alot to me. And one day, when I'm a mother, maybe my children will point to that imprint on my skin and say "what are these stars for, mommy?", and I'll smile. And then, I'll pull out my dingy old copy of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone". The copy I've had since Christmas, years ago. The one signed in the front cover "Merry Christmas, Mary. We love you! Always and forever, Mom and Dad xo". We'll start reading, just like my mom and I did. A few chapters each night, read aloud, until that's not enough, and they come to me and snatch the book away to read even more themselves, just like I did.
Harry Potter opened up my imagination. As I read each book, as each book came out, I grew with the books, and the movies. As the final movie finishes, Harry has "finished" school, and is out to the world to be great, and have his own family. I have finished high school, and I move to the next level.
I'm not ready to leave childhood behind.
I've decided yes, I want them, I'll research tattoo parlors, and look at price ranges for the teeny tiny size I want, but I'm not yet sure where I want them. Somewhere that can be seen, but not noticed right away. I'm thinking my wrist, just kind of in the corner. Maybe two, in both corners of my wrist by my palms, as if they were bordering a chapter title. I think that's where it would be.

Well, I used most of my concentration and writing skills on that blurb about Harry Potter.

In other news.
I'm going to get a fish when I go to college.
That's really about it.

Bye. :D

Monday, July 11, 2011

...

I don’t know what to do about this jealousy.
I stay, I’m still hurt and jealous.
I leave, I’m still hurt and jealous.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I have the weirdest fucking dreams.

    • In my dream, I went like, camping, or to an area with similiar roads. Something I don't remember, then I was at a wedding for a girl my age. An arranged marriage, and Albanian wedding. (I know why I dreamed it, cos on a tv show I was watching earlier, there was an indian wedding) but all my friends from highschool were there, and there were complications with the wedding and it couldn't be on time, and we were all upset. Then we went to the reception and all wanted to leave early. We all cried and said goodbyes again like we did at graduation, and then I apparently went into the band room? There were middle school teachers getting fired and stuff and they said they were going to end up having 82 classes a week. I don't know why the number 82 is prominent. Then I was in the band room with my friend Maddie, and we were playing with instruments. I was going to take the bassoon with me, and I wanted to try "alto trumpet" (there's no such thing?) and I put it also in the bassoon case (where it logically would not fit). Maddie said "oh my gosh I've always wanted to play that!" so I tried it, realized I didnt like it, and gave it to her.
      Cutter came in and was talking about stuff I don't remember. Then I took my keys, three almost empty waterbottles, and went out to my car. I had left the windows a bit down, apparently. And I saw a bunny hop out of my car. Its dark, so it startles me. I get closer, and see eyes in my car. Another rabbit, I think. They're everywhere.

      Its. A. Fucking. Wild. Cat. Thing.

      Like a lepord, or cheeta or cougar or something.

      I back up. It gets out of the car, and comes towards me slowly. I run forward and slam the door on its side, as it was just coming out the door, half way out. it cried in pain, and I pointed to a rabbit away from me. The cat ran towards it, and I ran towards the car. It saw what I was doing and came after me, but I shut the door before it could get at me. I turn the car on and pound on the gas, putting the waterbottles on the passenger seat.

      Somehow, I was at 13 mile and Gratiot (a few miles east of my house, and the school for that matter), and the cat is seriously chasing me down the road. The busy fucking road. As I'm trying to drive (but of course keep getting stopped by red lights), I see my mom in the minivan, driving the opposite way. I want to call out to her, but I know shes too far away, and driving too fast to hear. I don't have my phone anymore, suddenly. So I just focus on getting home.

      I go down my street, and hope I've lost the cat.

      I get in though, and realize there's three cats. Two are fighting with each other, the other is looking for me. I pull in the driveway, forget about the water bottles, and grab my purse and try to be as quiet and quick as I can and run in the house, slamming the door behind me. I peek out the hole to see the two cats still fighting at the end of my driveway, and the third, right at my door.

      I remember FREAKING OUT. Because I know my mother is out, and there are fucking like, LION CATS AT OUR HOUSE?!

      I was pacing around the house when I forced myself awake.

      WHAT THE FUCK.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Warning: Depressing Journal Entry of July 3rd, 2011

There was alot of stress in yesterday. Alot of fears and uncertainty in something I treasure above all else. We were both at fault, and yeah, it was silly, but everything's been worked out and we're going to make everything right. <3

All I want to do is write, put down all my thoughts and be able to relax. I just can't figure out how to phrase absolutely anything. All I am capable of doing is breaking down, shaking and sobbing and I know it absolutely solves nothing. Which is why it keeps happening.

I am afraid. Of absolutely everything. Afraid of failing, afraid of being hurt, afraid of being betrayed and lied to, afraid of being drilled down into a hole, and abandoned there, and never being able to get back out.

I've already been scarred, hurt, and its as if I've been taught not to trust anyone, to always assume the worst, and to dig and dig to reassure myself originally, but to only end up finding the worst, hurting myself more, and feeling completely sick to my stomach. I shake, I sob, I think, I overthink, I get sick, I want to curl up and die.

I over react. God, do I know that. I over react and more than likely, do not handle things correctly. Which, of course, causes an argument. It causes everyone to be hurt. Obviously not everyone is like me. I want answers, I want confrontation, and conclusion, and to talk everything out. People always seem to need time, and to not talk about something when I need to. And then they're silent. I'm ignored. I'm shoved in a box. And in that box, I think more. I dig more. I hurt more.

I can't handle it. I can't control it. I'm sure it will never stop, never go away. I'm afraid I will always be this way. Maybe I need help. Maybe I need medication or therapy. Maybe it will help, but probably not. So why should I bother to try?

I just want to make people happy and feel happy in return. I want to relieve stress and have mine relieved as well. I want equality in relationships. I try and I push and push to finally have this, and I end up hurting myself, again. Again and again and again.

I can never be happy. So why should I bother trying anymore? Why shouldn't I just exist, and let life go ahead and move around me, as it does? Why shouldn't I just be numb and stay away from everyone?

Sometimes, I can see a future for myself, exactly what I want, happy with life. And other times, I see absolutely nothing ahead of me. I see myself completely alone, jobless, unhappy and numb. Or just nothing. Like there is no more to see. The movie's over early. Like there is no life further on for me. There is nothing.

I wait for that empty future to come true, because I wonder what it means. I wonder what will happen. Will I become something? Or will I just drop dead any time now?

I will never kill myself. I've sat and seen and experienced the hurt from that, and I don't want to inentionally hurt anyone. I just want to stop hurting.

But I won't ever stop hurting, I'm sure.

Nom nom, I'm such a fattie.

Woke up, ate minicorndogs, dozed on and off for a few hours, got up, showered, did dishes, just ate two pieces of peanut butter toast, and now I'm nibbling oreos.
I have a severe food addiction.
Going to put up a depressing thing I wrote down yesterday.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Just a-sitting here.

Yup. Pretty much what I've been doing all day.
I spent the day watching House M.D. re-runs on USA. Ate dinner-ish. Talked with mom. Took Jake for coffee, my treat, to cheer him up since he seemed a little down lately. Saw some fireworks in Royal Oak on our way there. Now I'm home, fan-gasming about Paul McCartney photos, talking to Jake, feeling tired, yet, knowing I cannot mentally or physically relax enough to get some good sleep.
I may just revert back to my old self, pop some sleep aids, and hope that helps. I've been trying not to do that, though.

Oh well?

Thursday, June 30, 2011

So uh, yeah.

This is my blogger thing.
I get this feeling I've made at least seven of these over the years, and then I forget about it. But I'm going to try and keep it consistent. At least for summer.
I bought a crazy amazing journal recently, that I plan to bitch and rant into.
I will probably post those here, because they're a little less public, and other people can't find me as easy as things like, my tumblr.
So, yeah.
That's it. :I
Talk to you soon.