There was alot of stress in yesterday. Alot of fears and uncertainty in something I treasure above all else. We were both at fault, and yeah, it was silly, but everything's been worked out and we're going to make everything right. <3
All I want to do is write, put down all my thoughts and be able to relax. I just can't figure out how to phrase absolutely anything. All I am capable of doing is breaking down, shaking and sobbing and I know it absolutely solves nothing. Which is why it keeps happening.
I am afraid. Of absolutely everything. Afraid of failing, afraid of being hurt, afraid of being betrayed and lied to, afraid of being drilled down into a hole, and abandoned there, and never being able to get back out.
I've already been scarred, hurt, and its as if I've been taught not to trust anyone, to always assume the worst, and to dig and dig to reassure myself originally, but to only end up finding the worst, hurting myself more, and feeling completely sick to my stomach. I shake, I sob, I think, I overthink, I get sick, I want to curl up and die.
I over react. God, do I know that. I over react and more than likely, do not handle things correctly. Which, of course, causes an argument. It causes everyone to be hurt. Obviously not everyone is like me. I want answers, I want confrontation, and conclusion, and to talk everything out. People always seem to need time, and to not talk about something when I need to. And then they're silent. I'm ignored. I'm shoved in a box. And in that box, I think more. I dig more. I hurt more.
I can't handle it. I can't control it. I'm sure it will never stop, never go away. I'm afraid I will always be this way. Maybe I need help. Maybe I need medication or therapy. Maybe it will help, but probably not. So why should I bother to try?
I just want to make people happy and feel happy in return. I want to relieve stress and have mine relieved as well. I want equality in relationships. I try and I push and push to finally have this, and I end up hurting myself, again. Again and again and again.
I can never be happy. So why should I bother trying anymore? Why shouldn't I just exist, and let life go ahead and move around me, as it does? Why shouldn't I just be numb and stay away from everyone?
Sometimes, I can see a future for myself, exactly what I want, happy with life. And other times, I see absolutely nothing ahead of me. I see myself completely alone, jobless, unhappy and numb. Or just nothing. Like there is no more to see. The movie's over early. Like there is no life further on for me. There is nothing.
I wait for that empty future to come true, because I wonder what it means. I wonder what will happen. Will I become something? Or will I just drop dead any time now?
I will never kill myself. I've sat and seen and experienced the hurt from that, and I don't want to inentionally hurt anyone. I just want to stop hurting.
But I won't ever stop hurting, I'm sure.
Mary, lovely, this just reminds me exactly how much you and I are alike. <3 You have my number. I'm here anytime you need to talk, okay, chicka? (Although I am almost out of minutes, I regret. D:) Maybe you and I can find some way to get better and grow. And we'll do it together. :) We can be each other's support systems and hold the other in check or something. And, if you don't want to do something like that, I am still here to talk. <3 Whenever you need me.
ReplyDelete