What day is it?

This weekend was so amazing. And now I'm just back in my little pit of depression again.

I can’t stand this.

I can’t stand where I am right now…

Everything is fine and perfect and amazing when I’m with you, when you make me relax, when you make me not give a damn about anything. I feel free, and happy, and fantastic.

And then the week starts again. I realize I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be trying. I hate this. I don’t want to be around here. I feel empty. I have nothing.

And I break down. And cry. And don’t want to eat anything. Or do any homework. Or think. Or move.

Or breathe.

I really really REALLY want to write my parents a letter explaining that I can’t do this anymore, that I just want to drop out or something…

I feel awful that it would be a letter. Because it’s impersonal to them. But they wouldn’t be able to understand anything I’d say through my sobbing and shaking…

Even so, I don’t know how to phrase anything to them without seeming stupid or melodramatic.

No idea what to do anymore.

And so, I guess I’ll mope in my room until Wind Symphony. :/

A list of things I want:

To give up on finding a career.
To just study enough to get a job as a Secretary.
To be a secretary for a while or something.
You.
Me.
Together.
A proposal.
An engagement ring.
To find a nice apartment.
To plan a wedding.
To have a wedding.
To say “I do”.
To marry you.
To find a house.
To move into that house.
To work together and paint walls and arrange furniture.
To have children.
To raise children.
To have so many little details in between that I’ll list later.
To stay home every day and clean the house, raise children, make meals, and love you forever.
To watch our children grow up.
To give the best to them.
To grow old with you.
To watch our children get married.
To watch our children have children.
Die peacefully.
Can’t I just have that?


A list of things I don't want:

To be here.
To be in school.
To be at home.
To feel useless.
To keep pretending I know what I’m doing.
To keep pretending to be okay with school.
To keep watching people know what they want.
To have a real career and a real degree.
To move my body.
To wake up some mornings.
To do a lot of things..