What a Day.

And what a tiny, petty, little thing that set fire to the fuel.

It’s been a long day, hell, a long week. My winter/spring break starts tomorrow at 10:47am. I’m so ready, so in need of this. 

This week has been crazy because of exams and just general stress.

Today was the worst.

Today, in my 8am class, we had to present and perform our group compositions for Music of World Cultures. We were ready. We had everything planned, it was going to be great. 

Until I went upstairs to get my bassoon and realized… my keys were in my dorm room. All of my keys. So even if I did run back to the dorm for them, I still couldn’t get in. My roommate had left after me, and therefore was responsible for locking the door, and she always does. My damn keys were once again, sitting on my bedpost, instead of in my coatpocket, where I’m used to them being.

Upon talking to my professor, he said my group could proceed, and not be effected by my absence. I, however, would suffer at least one letter grade drop. I was surprisingly accepting of this. He said we could go last, and I had until 9:30 at latest to have an instrument that I could play (the theory came up of me getting my flute, but that too, was in the dorm, and the professor in charge of instrument loans didn’t answer his door), or my group would go without me.

I texted Danae, who didn’t have an exam like I thought, and found that she was in the building the connects to Varner. She said to come to her class and get her locker key. I sprinted down flights of stairs, ran around and through Varner, through Elliot, and back, not stopping because I had 4 minutes until I needed to be in the class room with my instrument ready to go. 

I made it.

It went… okay.

I was really shakey. Obviously.

Oh, and I got a nosebleed right before we performed. That probably didn’t help at all.

Then of course, the theory midterm. I don’t think I even need to explain the stress that came with an exam in my worst class. 

After, I had to write a 6 page minimum paper and submit it before leaving for my concert at 4:30 ish. It turned out to be 11 pages to get most of the information on. And quite honestly, I skipped a chapter. 

As we were getting ready for the concert, I realized I couldn’t find my dress pants.

Once again, my roommate saved the day, let me wear her long orchestra skirt, and wore her dress pants. Life saver.

The concert went well.

Until afterwards.

Here’s the flame.

I looked at the program.

I was so excited all day, knowing I would be credited for playing the contrabassoon. I really love the instrument, I worked extremely hard to learn the difficult music, and was so proud of my work.

I looked at the program.

I was not credited as playing the Contrabassoon.

Danae was.

It broke my heart. I cried. I broke down. I buried my face into my mother and sat there and sobbed in the middle of the hall. 

Looking at it, though it still upsets me, it was just such a tiny thing, and it made me explode. 

My mother kept asking if I was really okay, if that was all that was wrong. I told her “it’s been a long week” and “I’m just really tired”. 

But in reality, I want to wait until she and I are privately talking during winter break to discuss next fall, and my feelings about everything.

Waiting to tell her I feel very depressed, and I may benefit from some medication (that I’m sure after a month, I’ll start forgetting to take, like I am with my ADD medicine…) and a long break from school, to think about things. To relax. To breathe.

I really am terrified deep down.

To top it all off, Saturday would be Brandon’s 20th birthday.

I have a lot of anxiety about that, because I know I’ll be alone all night because Jake has to work. I just don’t know how well I’m going to handle it.

I do know that I’ll suck it up and drink a Monster.

That tradition will never change.